Trapped

That's how I've been feeling lately. Trapped in so many ways.

It's no secret that I'm unhappy living in Colorado. I've been here 8 1/2 years and I've wanted to leave since the moment I arrived. I want to be back in California. Actually, I just want to be anywhere but here.

But this week we began the refinancing process in order to save some money and pay down some other debt, thus trapping me here for the foreseeable future. Sure, we don't HAVE to, but we should. It's the responsible thing to do. We have enough debt that it would keep us from moving, anyway, so I guess I shouldn't solely blame the refinancing.

I'm still struggling with running. The shin splints are still horrible. I am beyond frustrated. Far beyond it. I'm worried that I won't be able to finish. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I'm trying. And it's going nowhere.

And I've gained weight. The stress from a billion things has gotten to me and I've been horrible with how I'm eating. I'm so mad at myself for letting it happen when I was doing SO well. I'm frustrated with myself for so many reasons.

I'm overwhelmed with things that need to be done around the house. It's a mess and I've been working on it just about the entire day today. I'm on load of laundry number 6, and I have absolutely no energy or desire to put any of it away. I've tried to clean the kitchen but things keep piling up.

I'm tired of complaining and tired of being miserable. I'm tired of feeling trapped in so many ways.

I don't know what to do

I'm at a loss and close to giving up. Not on losing weight, but on running.  No, I never had aspirations of being a "real" runner, but I had aspirations of finishing this half marathon in 7 weeks with at least a 15 minute mile combo of run/walking.

But I can't even go half a freaking mile without ridiculous shin splints in my left leg. I used to do under 15 minutes a mile for at least 3 miles. Now I can't even do a 17:30 mile. I don't know what's going on. I have no idea. I stretch. I ice. I even got fitted for new shoes and they're clearly not working because they now hurt in a different spot on my right foot and today I got shin splints in my right leg.

I'm a miserable person after I try to run. Both emotionally and physically. I warm up with at least 2 minutes of moderate paced walking (probably 3.5 mph) and then do a 30 second run to 2 minute walk. I usually make it to my 2nd repetition before the shin splints kick in. Today I made it .62 miles before I had to turn around and come home. Walking. Slowly. I made it a whole 1.25 miles. At least Friday I made it 1.88 miles.

I've asked for suggestions from a health and fitness forum and while my post got 166 views, I got one whole response which didn't even come close to addressing my questions. I said that I stretch and she suggested stretching. So...

I've spent a lot of money registering for this half marathon - and that's not counting the travel and lodging costs as well as everything else that goes into it. If I can't do it, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know why I've regressed so much. I come home in tears and I keep trying and trying again. I can't take much more "rest" time. I have 7 weeks. And the furthest I've gone is 4 miles.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what my options are right now.