Right now I'm 17 pounds into a 122 lb. journey (this includes weight I had already lost prior to taking the month of December off). This journey, however, will never be over for me. I will reach my destination, but the only way for me to enjoy the finish line is to learn the tools I need to beat my eating disorder.
Right now, I'm only seeing my therapist once a month. Things are going well for me, and I find it easy to stick with my clean eating routine. I know it will take me about a year to reach my goal, but I am committed. As I near my goal, I am going to up my therapy to learn and master the skills I need.
If you've never suffered from addiction or an eating disorder, please, PLEASE know how fortunate you are. I could never comprehend it ten years ago. I've learned why it is that I do what I do, and that's a great beginning in order to conquer my food addiction. As I've said so many times, being addicted to food is an awful addiction. I won't argue that any sort of addiction is awful, but the truth is that drugs, alcohol, etc are things you CAN live without. You need food. An alcoholic can avoid drinking and being around alcohol temptations, but a binge eater can't avoid or go without food. It's impossible. That's why relearning my eating habits are so important.
The thing that is hardest for me is the fact that I don't remember how I used to eat. You know, for the first 33 years of my life. Of course I had the occasional pint of ice cream or 4 pieces of pizza, but I didn't binge regularly. I don't KNOW how normal people eat. I mean, I understand food proportions and meal sizes, but knowing and doing are different.
I've spent the last 8 years or so gaining and losing, gaining and losing. And gaining. I can't imagine the type of damage I've done to my body. It's so important for me to learn how to eat mindfully and not treat food as "good" or "bad", just as food. Obviously I know there are foods that are better and worse for you, but that's the problem - I see food as "good" or "bad" and once I go down the "bad" path, I stay on that path. I can't separate having a piece of cake from eating bad. It's either you eat "good" or you eat "bad" in my mind. So, having a piece of cake after dinner could be disastrous for me. I just want to be able to EAT without thinking or worrying.
So yes, I've made small steps in my weight loss journey. But this journey will be a long one. A lifelong one.
