I fell down hard after I returned back to Colorado from our trip to Minnesota in early August. It was a combination of many things, but a big part of it was depression from returning from our trip. My bingeing (I still have no idea how to spell it, so I should really stop doing that) has gotten out of control again, and my self worth is in the red.
We have a lot of other life issues going on in our house - don't worry, my family and pets are fine, as is our marriage, but there are a lot of stressors. I've continued on with therapy, and I have an amazing therapist. I'm working with my husband on some changes we need to make to help me in the evenings when I'm most susceptible to my binge attacks.
I'm lonely. I eat because I'm lonely. This has been going on for 9 years, coincidentally the same amount of time I have lived in Colorado. I never dealt with anything like this before in my life.
I was doing well for quite some time and feeling good about myself, but I fell off course and then I couldn't even find the course. I have zero self esteem, and there are days I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't want to do anything or be around anyone.
I have said that I'm not going to do any "extreme" dieting or anything, but I decided I'm going to start back up on my Metabolic Research Center plan that I did 4 years ago and lost 75+ pounds with. I have found with all my "dieting" that the only sort of plan that works for me is a very rigid one that can't be deviated from. I'm not re-joining the center because 1. it costs way too much 2. they advise you to take unnecessary supplements 3. I still have my old menus from being on the plan before and 4. I can buy the same sort of protein drinks for less on DietDirect.com. I'll be starting as soon as my drinks get here. The thing about the MRC plan that I like is that you eat real food all day long, not meal supplements or shakes, or bars. Plenty of protein, fruit, veggies and light carbs. No dairy, which makes the milk-aholic in me sad, but I also know that milk flares up my eczema.
I need to do something serious and do it soon. My body aches and I am out of breath easily. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. We have a vacation to Disneyland and SoCal coming up in about 8 weeks and at this rate I will be miserable. I need to start, and I need to be serious.
I wish I didn't have to keep blogging about my failures. One day I want to be a success story, and I want to look back a year after that and STILL be a success story.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
What's on your gym playlist?
I always love to hear what people listen to at the gym, or while running/exercising. Here's a peek into mine.
- Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
- Toxic - Britney Spears
- Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
- On Top of the World - Imagine Dragons
- Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
- Stronger - Britney Spears
- Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
- Microphone - 98 Degrees
- Dirty Dancing - NKOTB
- The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Zac Brown Band
- How Far We've Come - Matchbox Twenty
- Ring of Fire - Social Distortion
- Remix - NKOTB
- SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
- One - Metallica
- American Idiot - Green Day
- Forgot About Dre - Dr Dre & Eminem
- Lose Yourself - Eminem
- My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark - Fall Out Boy
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Just... keep... moving
That's what I really want my scale to do right now.
I'm currently 39 days binge free (yay!) with one cheat day a week, and I am down about 12 pounds in that time. I realize that really is a good amount of weight to be down in 5 1/2 weeks, however I still get frustrated when it doesn't move as fast as I wish it would.
But then I stop and think about it and realize that it's ok.
I've done a million "diets". The last few that I've done have been pretty rapid weight loss diets. I'd lose between 2-5 pounds a week with my body in ketosis (fat burning mode). But that's not easy, nor is it sustainable. But because the weight dropped so quickly, I was able to see results much quicker than I am now. And I think that's where I'm getting hung up.
I'm doing it the right way now, eating from the four food groups, eating in moderation, and 4-5 times throughout the day. I'm limiting the amount of "white" foods I eat, and try to stay with fresh, perishable foods rather than processed foods. In fact, I hate when I have to get something out of the pantry to eat. Tonight I had a Trader Joe's apple bar, which really only has "good" ingredients, but I would have rather had something a little more fresh. Payday is Friday, so we're running a little low in the fridge and freezer right now.
Here's the thing that everyone needs to keep in mind - you're perhaps working on a "diet", but that "diet" has to become a lifestyle. You've heard the saying "you are what you eat"? Think about how cruddy you feel after eating something greasy or fatty or heavy. I'm not saying you can't eat that, I'm just saying that if you want to lose the weight and keep it off, these kinds of "treats" are just that - treats. They're not everyday foods. They're definitely not every meal foods. If I fall back into those habits and that lifestyle, I will not succeed and the scale will move in the wrong direction.
I need to keep all of that in mind when I look down at the scale and see it moving slowly. It IS moving and it IS going in the right direction. The weight didn't come on overnight, it won't come off that way, either. Good choices and lifestyle changes. That's how we'll be successful.
I'm currently 39 days binge free (yay!) with one cheat day a week, and I am down about 12 pounds in that time. I realize that really is a good amount of weight to be down in 5 1/2 weeks, however I still get frustrated when it doesn't move as fast as I wish it would.
But then I stop and think about it and realize that it's ok.
I've done a million "diets". The last few that I've done have been pretty rapid weight loss diets. I'd lose between 2-5 pounds a week with my body in ketosis (fat burning mode). But that's not easy, nor is it sustainable. But because the weight dropped so quickly, I was able to see results much quicker than I am now. And I think that's where I'm getting hung up.
I'm doing it the right way now, eating from the four food groups, eating in moderation, and 4-5 times throughout the day. I'm limiting the amount of "white" foods I eat, and try to stay with fresh, perishable foods rather than processed foods. In fact, I hate when I have to get something out of the pantry to eat. Tonight I had a Trader Joe's apple bar, which really only has "good" ingredients, but I would have rather had something a little more fresh. Payday is Friday, so we're running a little low in the fridge and freezer right now.
Here's the thing that everyone needs to keep in mind - you're perhaps working on a "diet", but that "diet" has to become a lifestyle. You've heard the saying "you are what you eat"? Think about how cruddy you feel after eating something greasy or fatty or heavy. I'm not saying you can't eat that, I'm just saying that if you want to lose the weight and keep it off, these kinds of "treats" are just that - treats. They're not everyday foods. They're definitely not every meal foods. If I fall back into those habits and that lifestyle, I will not succeed and the scale will move in the wrong direction.
I need to keep all of that in mind when I look down at the scale and see it moving slowly. It IS moving and it IS going in the right direction. The weight didn't come on overnight, it won't come off that way, either. Good choices and lifestyle changes. That's how we'll be successful.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Eating out
Sigh. Going out to eat. Always a challenge for someone trying to stay on the straight and narrow. I can't tell you the times I have been invited to events for my (other) blog, or Yelp Elite events, or even just out with friends and I say no because I worry that either 1. eating something out of the norm will trigger a binge or 2. even if it doesn't trigger a binge they won't have anything within a normal calorie range for me.
I always try to research places before I make a decision, or before I go, so I have an idea of what meals might be within reason for me. Just because something sounds light doesn't mean it is. Salads can be full of calories from croutons, dressing, cheese, breading on meat, etc. Burgers might be made with lean meat, but buns still have plenty of calories. I've got no issue ordering my burger without a bun, and I'll try to order veggies as my side instead of fries, but sometimes I just REALLY want sweet potato fries. I've never been a french fry fan, but I have a hard time saying no to sweet potato fries.
My biggest fear of the two I listed above is that it will trigger a binge. "Oh, I had a crappy dinner so why not just enjoy the rest of the night with everything in the fridge and pantry". "I'm already eating bad, so what's going to make it worse"?
My new challenge is to make smart choices at restaurants. Instead of the sandwich and fries that sound great, how about the salad with dressing on the side, or substituting veggies for fries or bread. Just today I knew I didn't want anything heavy since it was 95 degrees outside and we were headed to a ball game, but I wasn't in the mood for my usual lobster caprese salad. Spinach artichoke dip sounded awesome, so instead of getting it with the normal baguette, I chose to get carrots. It was perfect because while the dip wasn't super low cal, the carrots kept it manageable and light.
But I need to work on this with my therapist. There are times that I do hold back and get something lighter, or something I might not want as much, and then feel like I'm depriving myself - which can then lead to a binge. I also have problems with eating half and taking the rest home. I usually end up eating the other half as soon as I get home.
I still have many things to work on, this being a big one since I can't keep myself out of social eating situations forever. I'm hoping with time it becomes much easier.
I always try to research places before I make a decision, or before I go, so I have an idea of what meals might be within reason for me. Just because something sounds light doesn't mean it is. Salads can be full of calories from croutons, dressing, cheese, breading on meat, etc. Burgers might be made with lean meat, but buns still have plenty of calories. I've got no issue ordering my burger without a bun, and I'll try to order veggies as my side instead of fries, but sometimes I just REALLY want sweet potato fries. I've never been a french fry fan, but I have a hard time saying no to sweet potato fries.
My biggest fear of the two I listed above is that it will trigger a binge. "Oh, I had a crappy dinner so why not just enjoy the rest of the night with everything in the fridge and pantry". "I'm already eating bad, so what's going to make it worse"?
My new challenge is to make smart choices at restaurants. Instead of the sandwich and fries that sound great, how about the salad with dressing on the side, or substituting veggies for fries or bread. Just today I knew I didn't want anything heavy since it was 95 degrees outside and we were headed to a ball game, but I wasn't in the mood for my usual lobster caprese salad. Spinach artichoke dip sounded awesome, so instead of getting it with the normal baguette, I chose to get carrots. It was perfect because while the dip wasn't super low cal, the carrots kept it manageable and light.
But I need to work on this with my therapist. There are times that I do hold back and get something lighter, or something I might not want as much, and then feel like I'm depriving myself - which can then lead to a binge. I also have problems with eating half and taking the rest home. I usually end up eating the other half as soon as I get home.
I still have many things to work on, this being a big one since I can't keep myself out of social eating situations forever. I'm hoping with time it becomes much easier.
Friday, June 27, 2014
I wore a skirt today
One thing I have struggled with ALWAYS, regardless of weight, is what I look like in clothes. Clearly now I have much more than a little tummy pooch or jiggly thighs, so I'm not sure why I cared so much 100lbs ago, but whatever. This is why I'm in therapy.
I've been working REALLY hard lately to let myself be comfortable in my clothing and to live a little. Now, we all know those people who squeeze themselves into things that shouldn't be stretched the way they're stretching, and trust me, I'm not doing that. Above all, I want comfort. I also don't want to look like a slob. Recently I bought a maxi skirt at Target, because I really like how they can go from casual to semi-dressy changing up the top. I know I don't look THIN in it, but I also know I look fine in it. It's not tight. It doesn't show anything inappropriate. I don't have to hold my breath to pull it up. But I also wouldn't have worn it a few months ago.
I got a few new cute tank tops at Old Navy including a pink ombre one that I'd love to show you a picture of, but it's not on the website. Jerks. Now, I KNOW I'm not thin. But not a single fuck was given, and I wore that cute tank with that cute skirt and I owned it. I even went out in public - to get an oil change, to get some groceries, and to take my daughter to a painting class. Oh, and I planted some flowers wearing it, too.
I didn't stop for a second to think about it. I put it on. I straightened it out. I made sure my bra wasn't showing. I went for it. I felt good.
Now please don't think I'm going to go all crazy and wear a tube top or bikini. There's being confident and there's being stupid. But you'd better believe I'm going to continue to rock my skirt and tank top, or other clothes that aren't baggy and make me look like I'm wearing a tent. I don't intend to be "big" forever, but "big" can still be beautiful. I'm going to give it my best shot.
I've been working REALLY hard lately to let myself be comfortable in my clothing and to live a little. Now, we all know those people who squeeze themselves into things that shouldn't be stretched the way they're stretching, and trust me, I'm not doing that. Above all, I want comfort. I also don't want to look like a slob. Recently I bought a maxi skirt at Target, because I really like how they can go from casual to semi-dressy changing up the top. I know I don't look THIN in it, but I also know I look fine in it. It's not tight. It doesn't show anything inappropriate. I don't have to hold my breath to pull it up. But I also wouldn't have worn it a few months ago.
I got a few new cute tank tops at Old Navy including a pink ombre one that I'd love to show you a picture of, but it's not on the website. Jerks. Now, I KNOW I'm not thin. But not a single fuck was given, and I wore that cute tank with that cute skirt and I owned it. I even went out in public - to get an oil change, to get some groceries, and to take my daughter to a painting class. Oh, and I planted some flowers wearing it, too.
I didn't stop for a second to think about it. I put it on. I straightened it out. I made sure my bra wasn't showing. I went for it. I felt good.
Now please don't think I'm going to go all crazy and wear a tube top or bikini. There's being confident and there's being stupid. But you'd better believe I'm going to continue to rock my skirt and tank top, or other clothes that aren't baggy and make me look like I'm wearing a tent. I don't intend to be "big" forever, but "big" can still be beautiful. I'm going to give it my best shot.
Monday, June 23, 2014
The walk of shame
Here's where we start getting into my mind and what's going on with me as a person. Over on my regular blog, I've started a series of posts related to getting in the mind of a "fat" girl. My first post had to do with the fat that I thought I was fat at 170 pounds. I'm going to continue that series there, but still talk about plenty of it here, too.
In my post on my other blog, I talked about how 8 years ago I chose to not go to a group bachelorette party because I was "too fat" and embarrassed to be out like that, and I worried that I would embarrass the girls I was with. I have never told anyone this. I was afraid people would think I didn't belong in the clubs/bars we went to, and that I couldn't dress cute. I was 170 pounds and wore a size L/14. Raise your hand if you'd be thrilled to be that size. Now raise your hand if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone that size.
I'm pretty sure none of you did. At least I hope none of you did, and if you did you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone because of their size no matter the size.
But here's where we get into my head. I weigh much more than that now. About 90 pounds more. And I'm ashamed of myself for how I have "let myself go". Yes, I'm in therapy to work on this now, and yes I am trying to take steps every day to work through this. But that, in part, is why I'm letting you into my mind so you can see what role body image plays in my disordered eating.
I do my best to excuse myself from social situations where I will be seeing people I haven't in a while, or people who haven't seen me since one of the times when I've managed to lose some weight. In my mind, all I can think is that each and every one of them is thinking "wow, what happened to her? Six months ago she looked great, and now she's packed on at least 50 pounds". Are they thinking that? I guess I'll never know. But my mind tells me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are judging me by my weight.
Tonight we're going to see my favorite baseball player who is in town to play the Rockies. I've known him for 12 years, and he absolutely knew me at my thinnest. He's seen me a few times a year in the past 5 years or so and my weight has been up and down that whole time. While I'm pretty certain the thought never crosses his mind, I'm embarrassed to go see him tonight because of what he's "thinking".
I guess I don't want to know if it's true or not, that people think about how much weight I've gained when I see them. My mind says they do, but I'm still trying to learn to love myself regardless. I'm the same person whether I weigh 150 or 250, but I don't FEEL like the same person. I want to learn to love myself and not be embarrassed when I see people, or stay home because I don't want people to judge me. I don't want to make what I feel is the walk of shame when I enter a party or a get together. I just want to be Katie and to not care what anyone thinks but me.
In my post on my other blog, I talked about how 8 years ago I chose to not go to a group bachelorette party because I was "too fat" and embarrassed to be out like that, and I worried that I would embarrass the girls I was with. I have never told anyone this. I was afraid people would think I didn't belong in the clubs/bars we went to, and that I couldn't dress cute. I was 170 pounds and wore a size L/14. Raise your hand if you'd be thrilled to be that size. Now raise your hand if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone that size.
I'm pretty sure none of you did. At least I hope none of you did, and if you did you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone because of their size no matter the size.
But here's where we get into my head. I weigh much more than that now. About 90 pounds more. And I'm ashamed of myself for how I have "let myself go". Yes, I'm in therapy to work on this now, and yes I am trying to take steps every day to work through this. But that, in part, is why I'm letting you into my mind so you can see what role body image plays in my disordered eating.
I do my best to excuse myself from social situations where I will be seeing people I haven't in a while, or people who haven't seen me since one of the times when I've managed to lose some weight. In my mind, all I can think is that each and every one of them is thinking "wow, what happened to her? Six months ago she looked great, and now she's packed on at least 50 pounds". Are they thinking that? I guess I'll never know. But my mind tells me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are judging me by my weight.
Tonight we're going to see my favorite baseball player who is in town to play the Rockies. I've known him for 12 years, and he absolutely knew me at my thinnest. He's seen me a few times a year in the past 5 years or so and my weight has been up and down that whole time. While I'm pretty certain the thought never crosses his mind, I'm embarrassed to go see him tonight because of what he's "thinking".
I guess I don't want to know if it's true or not, that people think about how much weight I've gained when I see them. My mind says they do, but I'm still trying to learn to love myself regardless. I'm the same person whether I weigh 150 or 250, but I don't FEEL like the same person. I want to learn to love myself and not be embarrassed when I see people, or stay home because I don't want people to judge me. I don't want to make what I feel is the walk of shame when I enter a party or a get together. I just want to be Katie and to not care what anyone thinks but me.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Off to a good start
I weighed in on Saturday for week one of my "biggest loser" competition. I had the highest weight loss of anyone with 7.9 lbs lost, but I also am one of the people with the most weight to lose in the competition. I had a really good week of watching what I ate and not giving into temptation when I was stressed. I even ate out not once, but twice.
The best part about this is that I never was hungry and never was deprived of anything I really wanted. I have full fat cottage cheese and 2% milk. I enjoyed some cocoa & cookie swirl from Trader Joe's on a sandwich thin. I grilled cheeseburgers and had a couple beers. And every day I stayed within my allotted calories (roughly 1700/day)
I've been tracking using my FitBit which calculates how many calories I have burned based on my weight and the amount of activity I've done. On days I burn enough to eat more (i.e. over 2000) I try to cap my intake around 1800-1900 calories so I am still full, but don't go overboard.
I start with my new therapist in 3 days and I am really looking forward to it. I am ready to make the changes I need to. I am ready to feel good about myself and start loving myself. Heck, I'm ready to start even LIKING myself.
The best part about this is that I never was hungry and never was deprived of anything I really wanted. I have full fat cottage cheese and 2% milk. I enjoyed some cocoa & cookie swirl from Trader Joe's on a sandwich thin. I grilled cheeseburgers and had a couple beers. And every day I stayed within my allotted calories (roughly 1700/day)
I've been tracking using my FitBit which calculates how many calories I have burned based on my weight and the amount of activity I've done. On days I burn enough to eat more (i.e. over 2000) I try to cap my intake around 1800-1900 calories so I am still full, but don't go overboard.
I start with my new therapist in 3 days and I am really looking forward to it. I am ready to make the changes I need to. I am ready to feel good about myself and start loving myself. Heck, I'm ready to start even LIKING myself.
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