It's been almost 4 months since I've blogged. I've been using my Facebook page pretty often to update my progress and struggles and all that good stuff. But I figure now and then I should say something here for the heck of it.
Things are going well. Since I started in October, I've lost 43 lbs. I'm very close to hitting 40 lbs since seriously starting in January. My entire body is feeling better, and that's both because of the actual weight loss, but also because of the food I'm putting into it and the activity I'm taking part in. I'm down 2 sizes (started at 22, now an 18) and happy about that.
I've started doing yoga about twice a week, and pilates here and there (I have a 5 class punch card, so we'll see how long it takes to use it up). I have 7 5Ks set up for this summer, with an 8th possible. I don't really run (not at this weight, especially), but anytime you move your body forward for 3.1 miles, it's not a bad thing.
I've been sticking incredibly well to my clean eating. I've taken a few "cheat" days here and there, but get right back on track the next day. I actually feel pretty crappy after I've eaten poorly, and there have been a couple times that I know I could have something "bad" but just don't want to. The issue here is that I can't let myself slip into my old ways because once I start eating poorly, my body gets used to it and I don't feel so "bad" about how I feel. I really want to get my A1C (diabetes test) checked again soon to see if the numbers have gone down more.
I've still got a long ways to go, that's for sure, but every day is a step closer. Sometimes it seems daunting, but then I look at how far I've come already. It's been worth every sacrifice.
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Small steps on a big journey
Right now I'm 17 pounds into a 122 lb. journey (this includes weight I had already lost prior to taking the month of December off). This journey, however, will never be over for me. I will reach my destination, but the only way for me to enjoy the finish line is to learn the tools I need to beat my eating disorder.
Right now, I'm only seeing my therapist once a month. Things are going well for me, and I find it easy to stick with my clean eating routine. I know it will take me about a year to reach my goal, but I am committed. As I near my goal, I am going to up my therapy to learn and master the skills I need.
If you've never suffered from addiction or an eating disorder, please, PLEASE know how fortunate you are. I could never comprehend it ten years ago. I've learned why it is that I do what I do, and that's a great beginning in order to conquer my food addiction. As I've said so many times, being addicted to food is an awful addiction. I won't argue that any sort of addiction is awful, but the truth is that drugs, alcohol, etc are things you CAN live without. You need food. An alcoholic can avoid drinking and being around alcohol temptations, but a binge eater can't avoid or go without food. It's impossible. That's why relearning my eating habits are so important.
The thing that is hardest for me is the fact that I don't remember how I used to eat. You know, for the first 33 years of my life. Of course I had the occasional pint of ice cream or 4 pieces of pizza, but I didn't binge regularly. I don't KNOW how normal people eat. I mean, I understand food proportions and meal sizes, but knowing and doing are different.
I've spent the last 8 years or so gaining and losing, gaining and losing. And gaining. I can't imagine the type of damage I've done to my body. It's so important for me to learn how to eat mindfully and not treat food as "good" or "bad", just as food. Obviously I know there are foods that are better and worse for you, but that's the problem - I see food as "good" or "bad" and once I go down the "bad" path, I stay on that path. I can't separate having a piece of cake from eating bad. It's either you eat "good" or you eat "bad" in my mind. So, having a piece of cake after dinner could be disastrous for me. I just want to be able to EAT without thinking or worrying.
So yes, I've made small steps in my weight loss journey. But this journey will be a long one. A lifelong one.
Right now, I'm only seeing my therapist once a month. Things are going well for me, and I find it easy to stick with my clean eating routine. I know it will take me about a year to reach my goal, but I am committed. As I near my goal, I am going to up my therapy to learn and master the skills I need.
If you've never suffered from addiction or an eating disorder, please, PLEASE know how fortunate you are. I could never comprehend it ten years ago. I've learned why it is that I do what I do, and that's a great beginning in order to conquer my food addiction. As I've said so many times, being addicted to food is an awful addiction. I won't argue that any sort of addiction is awful, but the truth is that drugs, alcohol, etc are things you CAN live without. You need food. An alcoholic can avoid drinking and being around alcohol temptations, but a binge eater can't avoid or go without food. It's impossible. That's why relearning my eating habits are so important.
The thing that is hardest for me is the fact that I don't remember how I used to eat. You know, for the first 33 years of my life. Of course I had the occasional pint of ice cream or 4 pieces of pizza, but I didn't binge regularly. I don't KNOW how normal people eat. I mean, I understand food proportions and meal sizes, but knowing and doing are different.
I've spent the last 8 years or so gaining and losing, gaining and losing. And gaining. I can't imagine the type of damage I've done to my body. It's so important for me to learn how to eat mindfully and not treat food as "good" or "bad", just as food. Obviously I know there are foods that are better and worse for you, but that's the problem - I see food as "good" or "bad" and once I go down the "bad" path, I stay on that path. I can't separate having a piece of cake from eating bad. It's either you eat "good" or you eat "bad" in my mind. So, having a piece of cake after dinner could be disastrous for me. I just want to be able to EAT without thinking or worrying.
So yes, I've made small steps in my weight loss journey. But this journey will be a long one. A lifelong one.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
The food I eat
I've had several people over the last month or so ask me about what exactly I'm eating these days, so I figured I'd post a brief synopsis.
I'm losing weight because my body is in a light state of ketosis. Here's the basics of what exactly ketosis is:
In terms you and I can understand, when your body is in ketosis, you feel less hungry so you may eat less. Also, instead of burning carbs for energy as your body normally does, it begins to burn fat. Hence (sometimes) rapid weight loss.
Now, MRC puts your body in a light form of ketosis. Carbs break down to glucose which is used for energy. If there is not enough glucose, as in a low glycemic diet, the body then turns to stored fat for energy.
Here’s the kicker, though, and why you tend to GAIN a lot of weight if you eat off program, even if you are careful to not eat too poorly, or eat too many excess calories: for every gram of carbs you eat when your body is in ketosis, your body stores it with 3 grams of water. Eat one pound of carbs? Gain 4 pounds. MRC keeps your body in a mild form of ketosis, since you consume enough carbs to keep your brain and body functioning (80-100g of carbs a day). When you eat off program (i.e. consume too many carbs) it will take 3 days for your body to get back into ketosis if you eat 100% on program. This is because the body stores 3 days worth of glucose to burn. Once you eat on program for 3 days, this reserve of glucose is gone and your body begins to burn fat.
It operates on a 60% protein, 20% fat, 20% carb premise. That's enough carbs to keep your brain function healthy and enough protein to burn fat for energy. The key is finding the ratio. Since I was on the MRC program about 4 years ago, I kept the menus and food lists so I know what foods are ok and what aren't.
Lean proteins are key, and you can have a fattier one (i.e. salmon, seafood etc) once a week. I eat a lot of bison, elk, lean grass fed beef, chicken breast and tilapia.
Veggies have to be lower carb veggies, so no potatoes, carrots, corn, onions etc. I eat a ton of grape tomatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, summer squash, cucumbers and spaghetti squash.
Fruit is the same, lower carb fruit. My go-to is honeycrisp apples. I also love strawberries, cantaloupe and honeydew.
Carbs are limited. 1/4 c beans, oatmeal, etc. I generally stick with a slice of Sara Lee Delightful bread. I have egg sandwiches for breakfast, and open face burgers/chicken sandwiches for dinner. I also drink a protein drink (available from Diet Direct) with each meal, and one additional. This gives you the additional protein you need to push you into ketosis, and it's only 70 calories.
Here's a daily menu:
Breakfast:
protein drink
protein
carb
Lunch:
protein drink
protein
fruit
veggie
Dinner:
protein drink
protein
carb
veggie
A regular day for me (including lunch on the go since I work out of my car) is:
Breakfast: 2 fried eggs on a slice of Sara Lee bread + drink
Lunch: 3 oz hard cheese, apple, grape tomatoes + drink
Dinner: 6oz bison burger on a slice of Sara Lee bread with broccoli + drink
Snack: drink I am not hungry.
My body has detoxed because of all the clean food I've been eating. The least clean food I eat is the bread. I try to buy organic as much as possible as my budget will allow. I don't crave anything. I don't get jealous when I see others eating foods I shouldn't eat.
I've lost 25 lbs in 6 weeks. I'll be taking about 2 weeks off program for a vacation and a few events when I return home, and then getting back on the wagon until Christmas. I'll take off Christmas to New Year and then hit it hard. I know due to the principles of ketosis I will likely gain 10lbs of water weight during those 2 weeks, and I'm ok with that.
So, that's the basics. Things will change a lot when I hit goal (hopefully within the next year, I have 97 more lbs to lose) as I start to add foods back in. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
I'm losing weight because my body is in a light state of ketosis. Here's the basics of what exactly ketosis is:
In terms you and I can understand, when your body is in ketosis, you feel less hungry so you may eat less. Also, instead of burning carbs for energy as your body normally does, it begins to burn fat. Hence (sometimes) rapid weight loss.
Now, MRC puts your body in a light form of ketosis. Carbs break down to glucose which is used for energy. If there is not enough glucose, as in a low glycemic diet, the body then turns to stored fat for energy.
Here’s the kicker, though, and why you tend to GAIN a lot of weight if you eat off program, even if you are careful to not eat too poorly, or eat too many excess calories: for every gram of carbs you eat when your body is in ketosis, your body stores it with 3 grams of water. Eat one pound of carbs? Gain 4 pounds. MRC keeps your body in a mild form of ketosis, since you consume enough carbs to keep your brain and body functioning (80-100g of carbs a day). When you eat off program (i.e. consume too many carbs) it will take 3 days for your body to get back into ketosis if you eat 100% on program. This is because the body stores 3 days worth of glucose to burn. Once you eat on program for 3 days, this reserve of glucose is gone and your body begins to burn fat.
It operates on a 60% protein, 20% fat, 20% carb premise. That's enough carbs to keep your brain function healthy and enough protein to burn fat for energy. The key is finding the ratio. Since I was on the MRC program about 4 years ago, I kept the menus and food lists so I know what foods are ok and what aren't.
Lean proteins are key, and you can have a fattier one (i.e. salmon, seafood etc) once a week. I eat a lot of bison, elk, lean grass fed beef, chicken breast and tilapia.
Veggies have to be lower carb veggies, so no potatoes, carrots, corn, onions etc. I eat a ton of grape tomatoes, broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini, summer squash, cucumbers and spaghetti squash.
Fruit is the same, lower carb fruit. My go-to is honeycrisp apples. I also love strawberries, cantaloupe and honeydew.
Carbs are limited. 1/4 c beans, oatmeal, etc. I generally stick with a slice of Sara Lee Delightful bread. I have egg sandwiches for breakfast, and open face burgers/chicken sandwiches for dinner. I also drink a protein drink (available from Diet Direct) with each meal, and one additional. This gives you the additional protein you need to push you into ketosis, and it's only 70 calories.
Here's a daily menu:
Breakfast:
protein drink
protein
carb
Lunch:
protein drink
protein
fruit
veggie
Dinner:
protein drink
protein
carb
veggie
A regular day for me (including lunch on the go since I work out of my car) is:
Breakfast: 2 fried eggs on a slice of Sara Lee bread + drink
Lunch: 3 oz hard cheese, apple, grape tomatoes + drink
Dinner: 6oz bison burger on a slice of Sara Lee bread with broccoli + drink
Snack: drink I am not hungry.
My body has detoxed because of all the clean food I've been eating. The least clean food I eat is the bread. I try to buy organic as much as possible as my budget will allow. I don't crave anything. I don't get jealous when I see others eating foods I shouldn't eat.
I've lost 25 lbs in 6 weeks. I'll be taking about 2 weeks off program for a vacation and a few events when I return home, and then getting back on the wagon until Christmas. I'll take off Christmas to New Year and then hit it hard. I know due to the principles of ketosis I will likely gain 10lbs of water weight during those 2 weeks, and I'm ok with that.
So, that's the basics. Things will change a lot when I hit goal (hopefully within the next year, I have 97 more lbs to lose) as I start to add foods back in. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask!
Sunday, October 26, 2014
That time food almost killed me
Better known as, the past 8 years or so.
When you're eating as you please and not getting anywhere near your required servings of fruits and vegetables and eating fatty meats and tons of carbs and sugar, you may not recognize that the reason you're always tired, crabby, sluggish, bloated and have other health issues is because of the food.
The truth is, I KNOW this. I tell my therapist this often - I KNOW how to eat. I could teach anyone how to eat, and what to eat - especially my patients who are working on healing. I have gone through numerous diet plans and felt the benefits of healthy eating, yet fallen back into old bad habit of eating "whatever".
Honestly, I don't know why I fall back into bad habits. This is why I'm in therapy. But I can tell you that in 3 weeks of eating 80-90% clean and getting my daily requirements of veggies and fruit, that I feel like a different person. Prior to this, there were very few days I could get through without having to take a nap because I was that exhausted - even with 8 hours of sleep the night prior. I've been on anti-depressants for 9 years, and this summer had to double my dose because my original dose wasn't cutting it.
Three weeks. Actually, I felt it by two weeks. I am no longer on edge all the time. I am no longer short tempered with my daughter. I've taken 1 nap in that time. And I'm actually working harder and stressing my body more than I have been in a long time.
The fact that I'm losing weight makes me extremely happy, but what makes me even happier is that I FEEL good. I've done the Weight Watchers thing and struggled because they let you eat "whatever". You can spend all your points in one day on ice cream sandwiches, or you could eat fruits and veggies. They recommend you eat healthy food, of course, but you can use your "points" however you choose to. I've counted calories, and inevitably I use them on heavier foods, not fruits and veggies. Because of this, I may have lost weight but I still felt crummy. And all the excess carbs that broke down to sugar just made me hungry faster. And they made me crave even more sugar.
So here's the deal - if I had kept on eating the way I was eating, things would have gotten worse. Inevitably I would have gained more weight, but when I think about how I felt, I know that the food was doing a number on my body. I know my blood sugars get way out of whack, and I know I can work on keeping them steady by eating well. I know that if I kept eating poorly it could greatly affect my future.
Trust me when I say I still am relatively miserable. I weigh about 100 lbs more than my "normal" adult weight. I feel GOOD because I am eating well, and I have lost close to 20 lbs now. I still get winded when I walk too far. I still can't fit into the clothes I really want to be wearing. I still have a long way to go. But I FEEL good, and when you FEEL good you're more motivated to continue to feel good.
I challenge you - start small. Take a week and eat clean. Cut your carbs. Increase your protein. Eat your fruits and veggies. And get back with me and tell me what kind of change you feel.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
The cost of being overweight
One of the misconceptions about eating healthy is that it costs more. While some foods may cost more (i.e. grass fed beef, organic veggies and fruits, lean cuts of meat), that is a very short term cost. In the long term, not eating healthy can cost you thousands more in health related costs. This is an infographic I got from Medifast. I did the Medifast program last year and lost 65 lbs. It's not the program for me anymore, as you don't eat enough "real" food, but the point made by this infograpic is very important.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Getting back up is hard to do
I fell down hard after I returned back to Colorado from our trip to Minnesota in early August. It was a combination of many things, but a big part of it was depression from returning from our trip. My bingeing (I still have no idea how to spell it, so I should really stop doing that) has gotten out of control again, and my self worth is in the red.
We have a lot of other life issues going on in our house - don't worry, my family and pets are fine, as is our marriage, but there are a lot of stressors. I've continued on with therapy, and I have an amazing therapist. I'm working with my husband on some changes we need to make to help me in the evenings when I'm most susceptible to my binge attacks.
I'm lonely. I eat because I'm lonely. This has been going on for 9 years, coincidentally the same amount of time I have lived in Colorado. I never dealt with anything like this before in my life.
I was doing well for quite some time and feeling good about myself, but I fell off course and then I couldn't even find the course. I have zero self esteem, and there are days I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't want to do anything or be around anyone.
I have said that I'm not going to do any "extreme" dieting or anything, but I decided I'm going to start back up on my Metabolic Research Center plan that I did 4 years ago and lost 75+ pounds with. I have found with all my "dieting" that the only sort of plan that works for me is a very rigid one that can't be deviated from. I'm not re-joining the center because 1. it costs way too much 2. they advise you to take unnecessary supplements 3. I still have my old menus from being on the plan before and 4. I can buy the same sort of protein drinks for less on DietDirect.com. I'll be starting as soon as my drinks get here. The thing about the MRC plan that I like is that you eat real food all day long, not meal supplements or shakes, or bars. Plenty of protein, fruit, veggies and light carbs. No dairy, which makes the milk-aholic in me sad, but I also know that milk flares up my eczema.
I need to do something serious and do it soon. My body aches and I am out of breath easily. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. We have a vacation to Disneyland and SoCal coming up in about 8 weeks and at this rate I will be miserable. I need to start, and I need to be serious.
I wish I didn't have to keep blogging about my failures. One day I want to be a success story, and I want to look back a year after that and STILL be a success story.
We have a lot of other life issues going on in our house - don't worry, my family and pets are fine, as is our marriage, but there are a lot of stressors. I've continued on with therapy, and I have an amazing therapist. I'm working with my husband on some changes we need to make to help me in the evenings when I'm most susceptible to my binge attacks.
I'm lonely. I eat because I'm lonely. This has been going on for 9 years, coincidentally the same amount of time I have lived in Colorado. I never dealt with anything like this before in my life.
I was doing well for quite some time and feeling good about myself, but I fell off course and then I couldn't even find the course. I have zero self esteem, and there are days I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't want to do anything or be around anyone.
I have said that I'm not going to do any "extreme" dieting or anything, but I decided I'm going to start back up on my Metabolic Research Center plan that I did 4 years ago and lost 75+ pounds with. I have found with all my "dieting" that the only sort of plan that works for me is a very rigid one that can't be deviated from. I'm not re-joining the center because 1. it costs way too much 2. they advise you to take unnecessary supplements 3. I still have my old menus from being on the plan before and 4. I can buy the same sort of protein drinks for less on DietDirect.com. I'll be starting as soon as my drinks get here. The thing about the MRC plan that I like is that you eat real food all day long, not meal supplements or shakes, or bars. Plenty of protein, fruit, veggies and light carbs. No dairy, which makes the milk-aholic in me sad, but I also know that milk flares up my eczema.
I need to do something serious and do it soon. My body aches and I am out of breath easily. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. We have a vacation to Disneyland and SoCal coming up in about 8 weeks and at this rate I will be miserable. I need to start, and I need to be serious.
I wish I didn't have to keep blogging about my failures. One day I want to be a success story, and I want to look back a year after that and STILL be a success story.
Monday, July 28, 2014
What's on your gym playlist?
I always love to hear what people listen to at the gym, or while running/exercising. Here's a peek into mine.
- Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
- Toxic - Britney Spears
- Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
- On Top of the World - Imagine Dragons
- Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
- Stronger - Britney Spears
- Bad Romance - Lady Gaga
- Microphone - 98 Degrees
- Dirty Dancing - NKOTB
- The Devil Went Down to Georgia - Zac Brown Band
- How Far We've Come - Matchbox Twenty
- Ring of Fire - Social Distortion
- Remix - NKOTB
- SexyBack - Justin Timberlake
- One - Metallica
- American Idiot - Green Day
- Forgot About Dre - Dr Dre & Eminem
- Lose Yourself - Eminem
- My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark - Fall Out Boy
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
Just... keep... moving
That's what I really want my scale to do right now.
I'm currently 39 days binge free (yay!) with one cheat day a week, and I am down about 12 pounds in that time. I realize that really is a good amount of weight to be down in 5 1/2 weeks, however I still get frustrated when it doesn't move as fast as I wish it would.
But then I stop and think about it and realize that it's ok.
I've done a million "diets". The last few that I've done have been pretty rapid weight loss diets. I'd lose between 2-5 pounds a week with my body in ketosis (fat burning mode). But that's not easy, nor is it sustainable. But because the weight dropped so quickly, I was able to see results much quicker than I am now. And I think that's where I'm getting hung up.
I'm doing it the right way now, eating from the four food groups, eating in moderation, and 4-5 times throughout the day. I'm limiting the amount of "white" foods I eat, and try to stay with fresh, perishable foods rather than processed foods. In fact, I hate when I have to get something out of the pantry to eat. Tonight I had a Trader Joe's apple bar, which really only has "good" ingredients, but I would have rather had something a little more fresh. Payday is Friday, so we're running a little low in the fridge and freezer right now.
Here's the thing that everyone needs to keep in mind - you're perhaps working on a "diet", but that "diet" has to become a lifestyle. You've heard the saying "you are what you eat"? Think about how cruddy you feel after eating something greasy or fatty or heavy. I'm not saying you can't eat that, I'm just saying that if you want to lose the weight and keep it off, these kinds of "treats" are just that - treats. They're not everyday foods. They're definitely not every meal foods. If I fall back into those habits and that lifestyle, I will not succeed and the scale will move in the wrong direction.
I need to keep all of that in mind when I look down at the scale and see it moving slowly. It IS moving and it IS going in the right direction. The weight didn't come on overnight, it won't come off that way, either. Good choices and lifestyle changes. That's how we'll be successful.
I'm currently 39 days binge free (yay!) with one cheat day a week, and I am down about 12 pounds in that time. I realize that really is a good amount of weight to be down in 5 1/2 weeks, however I still get frustrated when it doesn't move as fast as I wish it would.
But then I stop and think about it and realize that it's ok.
I've done a million "diets". The last few that I've done have been pretty rapid weight loss diets. I'd lose between 2-5 pounds a week with my body in ketosis (fat burning mode). But that's not easy, nor is it sustainable. But because the weight dropped so quickly, I was able to see results much quicker than I am now. And I think that's where I'm getting hung up.
I'm doing it the right way now, eating from the four food groups, eating in moderation, and 4-5 times throughout the day. I'm limiting the amount of "white" foods I eat, and try to stay with fresh, perishable foods rather than processed foods. In fact, I hate when I have to get something out of the pantry to eat. Tonight I had a Trader Joe's apple bar, which really only has "good" ingredients, but I would have rather had something a little more fresh. Payday is Friday, so we're running a little low in the fridge and freezer right now.
Here's the thing that everyone needs to keep in mind - you're perhaps working on a "diet", but that "diet" has to become a lifestyle. You've heard the saying "you are what you eat"? Think about how cruddy you feel after eating something greasy or fatty or heavy. I'm not saying you can't eat that, I'm just saying that if you want to lose the weight and keep it off, these kinds of "treats" are just that - treats. They're not everyday foods. They're definitely not every meal foods. If I fall back into those habits and that lifestyle, I will not succeed and the scale will move in the wrong direction.
I need to keep all of that in mind when I look down at the scale and see it moving slowly. It IS moving and it IS going in the right direction. The weight didn't come on overnight, it won't come off that way, either. Good choices and lifestyle changes. That's how we'll be successful.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Eating out
Sigh. Going out to eat. Always a challenge for someone trying to stay on the straight and narrow. I can't tell you the times I have been invited to events for my (other) blog, or Yelp Elite events, or even just out with friends and I say no because I worry that either 1. eating something out of the norm will trigger a binge or 2. even if it doesn't trigger a binge they won't have anything within a normal calorie range for me.
I always try to research places before I make a decision, or before I go, so I have an idea of what meals might be within reason for me. Just because something sounds light doesn't mean it is. Salads can be full of calories from croutons, dressing, cheese, breading on meat, etc. Burgers might be made with lean meat, but buns still have plenty of calories. I've got no issue ordering my burger without a bun, and I'll try to order veggies as my side instead of fries, but sometimes I just REALLY want sweet potato fries. I've never been a french fry fan, but I have a hard time saying no to sweet potato fries.
My biggest fear of the two I listed above is that it will trigger a binge. "Oh, I had a crappy dinner so why not just enjoy the rest of the night with everything in the fridge and pantry". "I'm already eating bad, so what's going to make it worse"?
My new challenge is to make smart choices at restaurants. Instead of the sandwich and fries that sound great, how about the salad with dressing on the side, or substituting veggies for fries or bread. Just today I knew I didn't want anything heavy since it was 95 degrees outside and we were headed to a ball game, but I wasn't in the mood for my usual lobster caprese salad. Spinach artichoke dip sounded awesome, so instead of getting it with the normal baguette, I chose to get carrots. It was perfect because while the dip wasn't super low cal, the carrots kept it manageable and light.
But I need to work on this with my therapist. There are times that I do hold back and get something lighter, or something I might not want as much, and then feel like I'm depriving myself - which can then lead to a binge. I also have problems with eating half and taking the rest home. I usually end up eating the other half as soon as I get home.
I still have many things to work on, this being a big one since I can't keep myself out of social eating situations forever. I'm hoping with time it becomes much easier.
I always try to research places before I make a decision, or before I go, so I have an idea of what meals might be within reason for me. Just because something sounds light doesn't mean it is. Salads can be full of calories from croutons, dressing, cheese, breading on meat, etc. Burgers might be made with lean meat, but buns still have plenty of calories. I've got no issue ordering my burger without a bun, and I'll try to order veggies as my side instead of fries, but sometimes I just REALLY want sweet potato fries. I've never been a french fry fan, but I have a hard time saying no to sweet potato fries.
My biggest fear of the two I listed above is that it will trigger a binge. "Oh, I had a crappy dinner so why not just enjoy the rest of the night with everything in the fridge and pantry". "I'm already eating bad, so what's going to make it worse"?
My new challenge is to make smart choices at restaurants. Instead of the sandwich and fries that sound great, how about the salad with dressing on the side, or substituting veggies for fries or bread. Just today I knew I didn't want anything heavy since it was 95 degrees outside and we were headed to a ball game, but I wasn't in the mood for my usual lobster caprese salad. Spinach artichoke dip sounded awesome, so instead of getting it with the normal baguette, I chose to get carrots. It was perfect because while the dip wasn't super low cal, the carrots kept it manageable and light.
But I need to work on this with my therapist. There are times that I do hold back and get something lighter, or something I might not want as much, and then feel like I'm depriving myself - which can then lead to a binge. I also have problems with eating half and taking the rest home. I usually end up eating the other half as soon as I get home.
I still have many things to work on, this being a big one since I can't keep myself out of social eating situations forever. I'm hoping with time it becomes much easier.
Friday, June 27, 2014
I wore a skirt today
One thing I have struggled with ALWAYS, regardless of weight, is what I look like in clothes. Clearly now I have much more than a little tummy pooch or jiggly thighs, so I'm not sure why I cared so much 100lbs ago, but whatever. This is why I'm in therapy.
I've been working REALLY hard lately to let myself be comfortable in my clothing and to live a little. Now, we all know those people who squeeze themselves into things that shouldn't be stretched the way they're stretching, and trust me, I'm not doing that. Above all, I want comfort. I also don't want to look like a slob. Recently I bought a maxi skirt at Target, because I really like how they can go from casual to semi-dressy changing up the top. I know I don't look THIN in it, but I also know I look fine in it. It's not tight. It doesn't show anything inappropriate. I don't have to hold my breath to pull it up. But I also wouldn't have worn it a few months ago.
I got a few new cute tank tops at Old Navy including a pink ombre one that I'd love to show you a picture of, but it's not on the website. Jerks. Now, I KNOW I'm not thin. But not a single fuck was given, and I wore that cute tank with that cute skirt and I owned it. I even went out in public - to get an oil change, to get some groceries, and to take my daughter to a painting class. Oh, and I planted some flowers wearing it, too.
I didn't stop for a second to think about it. I put it on. I straightened it out. I made sure my bra wasn't showing. I went for it. I felt good.
Now please don't think I'm going to go all crazy and wear a tube top or bikini. There's being confident and there's being stupid. But you'd better believe I'm going to continue to rock my skirt and tank top, or other clothes that aren't baggy and make me look like I'm wearing a tent. I don't intend to be "big" forever, but "big" can still be beautiful. I'm going to give it my best shot.
I've been working REALLY hard lately to let myself be comfortable in my clothing and to live a little. Now, we all know those people who squeeze themselves into things that shouldn't be stretched the way they're stretching, and trust me, I'm not doing that. Above all, I want comfort. I also don't want to look like a slob. Recently I bought a maxi skirt at Target, because I really like how they can go from casual to semi-dressy changing up the top. I know I don't look THIN in it, but I also know I look fine in it. It's not tight. It doesn't show anything inappropriate. I don't have to hold my breath to pull it up. But I also wouldn't have worn it a few months ago.
I got a few new cute tank tops at Old Navy including a pink ombre one that I'd love to show you a picture of, but it's not on the website. Jerks. Now, I KNOW I'm not thin. But not a single fuck was given, and I wore that cute tank with that cute skirt and I owned it. I even went out in public - to get an oil change, to get some groceries, and to take my daughter to a painting class. Oh, and I planted some flowers wearing it, too.
I didn't stop for a second to think about it. I put it on. I straightened it out. I made sure my bra wasn't showing. I went for it. I felt good.
Now please don't think I'm going to go all crazy and wear a tube top or bikini. There's being confident and there's being stupid. But you'd better believe I'm going to continue to rock my skirt and tank top, or other clothes that aren't baggy and make me look like I'm wearing a tent. I don't intend to be "big" forever, but "big" can still be beautiful. I'm going to give it my best shot.
Monday, June 23, 2014
The walk of shame
Here's where we start getting into my mind and what's going on with me as a person. Over on my regular blog, I've started a series of posts related to getting in the mind of a "fat" girl. My first post had to do with the fat that I thought I was fat at 170 pounds. I'm going to continue that series there, but still talk about plenty of it here, too.
In my post on my other blog, I talked about how 8 years ago I chose to not go to a group bachelorette party because I was "too fat" and embarrassed to be out like that, and I worried that I would embarrass the girls I was with. I have never told anyone this. I was afraid people would think I didn't belong in the clubs/bars we went to, and that I couldn't dress cute. I was 170 pounds and wore a size L/14. Raise your hand if you'd be thrilled to be that size. Now raise your hand if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone that size.
I'm pretty sure none of you did. At least I hope none of you did, and if you did you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone because of their size no matter the size.
But here's where we get into my head. I weigh much more than that now. About 90 pounds more. And I'm ashamed of myself for how I have "let myself go". Yes, I'm in therapy to work on this now, and yes I am trying to take steps every day to work through this. But that, in part, is why I'm letting you into my mind so you can see what role body image plays in my disordered eating.
I do my best to excuse myself from social situations where I will be seeing people I haven't in a while, or people who haven't seen me since one of the times when I've managed to lose some weight. In my mind, all I can think is that each and every one of them is thinking "wow, what happened to her? Six months ago she looked great, and now she's packed on at least 50 pounds". Are they thinking that? I guess I'll never know. But my mind tells me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are judging me by my weight.
Tonight we're going to see my favorite baseball player who is in town to play the Rockies. I've known him for 12 years, and he absolutely knew me at my thinnest. He's seen me a few times a year in the past 5 years or so and my weight has been up and down that whole time. While I'm pretty certain the thought never crosses his mind, I'm embarrassed to go see him tonight because of what he's "thinking".
I guess I don't want to know if it's true or not, that people think about how much weight I've gained when I see them. My mind says they do, but I'm still trying to learn to love myself regardless. I'm the same person whether I weigh 150 or 250, but I don't FEEL like the same person. I want to learn to love myself and not be embarrassed when I see people, or stay home because I don't want people to judge me. I don't want to make what I feel is the walk of shame when I enter a party or a get together. I just want to be Katie and to not care what anyone thinks but me.
In my post on my other blog, I talked about how 8 years ago I chose to not go to a group bachelorette party because I was "too fat" and embarrassed to be out like that, and I worried that I would embarrass the girls I was with. I have never told anyone this. I was afraid people would think I didn't belong in the clubs/bars we went to, and that I couldn't dress cute. I was 170 pounds and wore a size L/14. Raise your hand if you'd be thrilled to be that size. Now raise your hand if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone that size.
I'm pretty sure none of you did. At least I hope none of you did, and if you did you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone because of their size no matter the size.
But here's where we get into my head. I weigh much more than that now. About 90 pounds more. And I'm ashamed of myself for how I have "let myself go". Yes, I'm in therapy to work on this now, and yes I am trying to take steps every day to work through this. But that, in part, is why I'm letting you into my mind so you can see what role body image plays in my disordered eating.
I do my best to excuse myself from social situations where I will be seeing people I haven't in a while, or people who haven't seen me since one of the times when I've managed to lose some weight. In my mind, all I can think is that each and every one of them is thinking "wow, what happened to her? Six months ago she looked great, and now she's packed on at least 50 pounds". Are they thinking that? I guess I'll never know. But my mind tells me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are judging me by my weight.
Tonight we're going to see my favorite baseball player who is in town to play the Rockies. I've known him for 12 years, and he absolutely knew me at my thinnest. He's seen me a few times a year in the past 5 years or so and my weight has been up and down that whole time. While I'm pretty certain the thought never crosses his mind, I'm embarrassed to go see him tonight because of what he's "thinking".
I guess I don't want to know if it's true or not, that people think about how much weight I've gained when I see them. My mind says they do, but I'm still trying to learn to love myself regardless. I'm the same person whether I weigh 150 or 250, but I don't FEEL like the same person. I want to learn to love myself and not be embarrassed when I see people, or stay home because I don't want people to judge me. I don't want to make what I feel is the walk of shame when I enter a party or a get together. I just want to be Katie and to not care what anyone thinks but me.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Off to a good start
I weighed in on Saturday for week one of my "biggest loser" competition. I had the highest weight loss of anyone with 7.9 lbs lost, but I also am one of the people with the most weight to lose in the competition. I had a really good week of watching what I ate and not giving into temptation when I was stressed. I even ate out not once, but twice.
The best part about this is that I never was hungry and never was deprived of anything I really wanted. I have full fat cottage cheese and 2% milk. I enjoyed some cocoa & cookie swirl from Trader Joe's on a sandwich thin. I grilled cheeseburgers and had a couple beers. And every day I stayed within my allotted calories (roughly 1700/day)
I've been tracking using my FitBit which calculates how many calories I have burned based on my weight and the amount of activity I've done. On days I burn enough to eat more (i.e. over 2000) I try to cap my intake around 1800-1900 calories so I am still full, but don't go overboard.
I start with my new therapist in 3 days and I am really looking forward to it. I am ready to make the changes I need to. I am ready to feel good about myself and start loving myself. Heck, I'm ready to start even LIKING myself.
The best part about this is that I never was hungry and never was deprived of anything I really wanted. I have full fat cottage cheese and 2% milk. I enjoyed some cocoa & cookie swirl from Trader Joe's on a sandwich thin. I grilled cheeseburgers and had a couple beers. And every day I stayed within my allotted calories (roughly 1700/day)
I've been tracking using my FitBit which calculates how many calories I have burned based on my weight and the amount of activity I've done. On days I burn enough to eat more (i.e. over 2000) I try to cap my intake around 1800-1900 calories so I am still full, but don't go overboard.
I start with my new therapist in 3 days and I am really looking forward to it. I am ready to make the changes I need to. I am ready to feel good about myself and start loving myself. Heck, I'm ready to start even LIKING myself.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Trying
Last Saturday I started a "biggest loser" type competition with 25 other ladies who live in my general area. I couldn't stay for the meeting last week because I had to run to work, but they also have a short meeting talking about strategies, what works, etc. It's a 10 week challenge with monetary prizes for the winners.
I've tried and failed in myriad ways in the past. I have come to the conclusion that I am done with "quick fixes" - the Medifast, Metabolic Research Center - those programs where you get your body into a fat burning phase and drop 2-5lbs a week. Sure, it's easy to lose weight and stay on program when it's falling off that fast, but once you eat off program *poof* it's gone. When you restrict yourself and can only eat certain foods, it makes it so easy to veer off course when you do allow yourself a cheat day.
So, I'm doing it the old fashioned way: diet and exercise. I haven't gotten a lot of exercise this week since my dad is in town and I'm trying to stick around home, but I'm using my Fitbit app to track my calories. I often find I have a lot left at the end of the day, but I am eating them.
Prior to starting this, I read a few articles about how we are restricting our calories TOO much and you need to base your caloric intake on your weight, not just arbitrarily choose to eat 1250 calories a day, whether you weigh 150 or 250. My caloric need is around 1900 calories a day right now. It varies depending on how much I move, which is where it's nice to have a Fitbit. On the days I have more activity, I'm allowed more calories. Pretty simple.
I have spent far too much of the last 10 years of my life counting points, measuring, whatever. I know I'm still counting calories, but I am hoping that it helps give me better insight into what the right amount of food feels like. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist on Wednesday night that specializes in eating disorders. I am hoping that this is what is going to make a difference. My eating disorder is the main cause of all my other issues. I know this because it affects every aspect of my life. My entire day can be controlled by it, and I'm tired of it.
So, I'm trying. I'm taking baby steps as I try to make a big change. I'm done with the quick fix. This is marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take work, every single day of the rest of my life, but if it's the only way I'm going to be able to live a relatively happy life, it's work I need to try my best to do.
I've tried and failed in myriad ways in the past. I have come to the conclusion that I am done with "quick fixes" - the Medifast, Metabolic Research Center - those programs where you get your body into a fat burning phase and drop 2-5lbs a week. Sure, it's easy to lose weight and stay on program when it's falling off that fast, but once you eat off program *poof* it's gone. When you restrict yourself and can only eat certain foods, it makes it so easy to veer off course when you do allow yourself a cheat day.
So, I'm doing it the old fashioned way: diet and exercise. I haven't gotten a lot of exercise this week since my dad is in town and I'm trying to stick around home, but I'm using my Fitbit app to track my calories. I often find I have a lot left at the end of the day, but I am eating them.
Prior to starting this, I read a few articles about how we are restricting our calories TOO much and you need to base your caloric intake on your weight, not just arbitrarily choose to eat 1250 calories a day, whether you weigh 150 or 250. My caloric need is around 1900 calories a day right now. It varies depending on how much I move, which is where it's nice to have a Fitbit. On the days I have more activity, I'm allowed more calories. Pretty simple.
I have spent far too much of the last 10 years of my life counting points, measuring, whatever. I know I'm still counting calories, but I am hoping that it helps give me better insight into what the right amount of food feels like. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist on Wednesday night that specializes in eating disorders. I am hoping that this is what is going to make a difference. My eating disorder is the main cause of all my other issues. I know this because it affects every aspect of my life. My entire day can be controlled by it, and I'm tired of it.
So, I'm trying. I'm taking baby steps as I try to make a big change. I'm done with the quick fix. This is marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take work, every single day of the rest of my life, but if it's the only way I'm going to be able to live a relatively happy life, it's work I need to try my best to do.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Therapy
So.
My life has been out of control lately. It's been out of control for a while, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I signed off of social media for a couple weeks. I put down the phone. And, I found a therapist.
Well, that didn't go so well. She's very nice, but she's just not the right therapist for me. I did make some discoveries in the four sessions I've spent with her, but those discoveries led me to be certain that I needed a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.
I've known for years that I suffer from binge eating. I don't hide that. But I also haven't done the right things to fix that. Mainly because I can't afford rehab or therapy if it's too expensive. There are a million things going wrong in my life, but I finally needed to make cuts elsewhere in our budget in order to afford the therapy I need.
My initial therapist was covered by my insurance. My new therapist isn't. But she comes highly recommended, and that's more important to me right now. I'll only be able to go twice a month instead of weekly, but that is far better than not at all.
I joined a weight loss competition here locally with 25 other women. There's a prize for most weight lost and most inches lost, as well as personal achievement goals. It's a 10 week competition, and my goal is to lose 20 lbs. Hopefully with about 4 therapy sessions during that time I'll be able to stay focused and meet my goal.
I just want to find happiness with myself. I am not happy. I haven't been happy in a long time, and everything eventually comes back to my weight and the reasons I eat. I have to fix me, and I have to fix me soon.
My life has been out of control lately. It's been out of control for a while, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I signed off of social media for a couple weeks. I put down the phone. And, I found a therapist.
Well, that didn't go so well. She's very nice, but she's just not the right therapist for me. I did make some discoveries in the four sessions I've spent with her, but those discoveries led me to be certain that I needed a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.
I've known for years that I suffer from binge eating. I don't hide that. But I also haven't done the right things to fix that. Mainly because I can't afford rehab or therapy if it's too expensive. There are a million things going wrong in my life, but I finally needed to make cuts elsewhere in our budget in order to afford the therapy I need.
My initial therapist was covered by my insurance. My new therapist isn't. But she comes highly recommended, and that's more important to me right now. I'll only be able to go twice a month instead of weekly, but that is far better than not at all.
I joined a weight loss competition here locally with 25 other women. There's a prize for most weight lost and most inches lost, as well as personal achievement goals. It's a 10 week competition, and my goal is to lose 20 lbs. Hopefully with about 4 therapy sessions during that time I'll be able to stay focused and meet my goal.
I just want to find happiness with myself. I am not happy. I haven't been happy in a long time, and everything eventually comes back to my weight and the reasons I eat. I have to fix me, and I have to fix me soon.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Oh. Hi.
I've been wanting to blog for quite some time, but I haven't. Because I'm embarrassed of where I am and what has become of me. Pretty simple, really. I struggle. Every. Single. Day. And it's embarrassing.
I know what I really need is a therapist. I also know what I really can't afford (because of the deductible) is a therapist. We owe a lot of money for a lot of different things and I just don't foresee it happening at least for a while if my new job works out as I hope it does.
I lack follow through. I have always struggled with this, not just with health and fitness goals. I don't know how to change that. Just like every other program I've started in the past, I've done a great job and lost a lot of weight and then stopped for whatever reason and gained it all back.
I'm miserable, both emotionally and physically, both dependent on each other. I know what I do wrong and I beat myself up about it. Physically, I'm out of breath all the time. My hips and back hurt when I walk too far. That half marathon I did 3 months ago? Ha! I'd be lucky to be able to walk 1.31 miles at this point.
I'm embarrassed. I hate seeing friends and family. There's a good chance they're not juding me, but I feel like anyone I see does just that. I mean, why wouldn't they? If they saw me 6 months ago I'm a totally different person from then. In a bad way. I used to love taking pictures and now I try to be as far away from the camera as possible.
Everything about it is embarassing. If you've never been overweight, it's very hard to understand or explain. If you've never dealt with addiction, it's very hard to understand. Unlike other addictions, it's a hard one to work with. You HAVE to eat. You can eliminate temptations of drugs and alcohol by changing your environment, but there is no way to go without eating.
So I don't know. Here I am back at the beginning again. I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best. But I need help. I just need to figure out where and how to get it.
I know what I really need is a therapist. I also know what I really can't afford (because of the deductible) is a therapist. We owe a lot of money for a lot of different things and I just don't foresee it happening at least for a while if my new job works out as I hope it does.
I lack follow through. I have always struggled with this, not just with health and fitness goals. I don't know how to change that. Just like every other program I've started in the past, I've done a great job and lost a lot of weight and then stopped for whatever reason and gained it all back.
I'm miserable, both emotionally and physically, both dependent on each other. I know what I do wrong and I beat myself up about it. Physically, I'm out of breath all the time. My hips and back hurt when I walk too far. That half marathon I did 3 months ago? Ha! I'd be lucky to be able to walk 1.31 miles at this point.
I'm embarrassed. I hate seeing friends and family. There's a good chance they're not juding me, but I feel like anyone I see does just that. I mean, why wouldn't they? If they saw me 6 months ago I'm a totally different person from then. In a bad way. I used to love taking pictures and now I try to be as far away from the camera as possible.
Everything about it is embarassing. If you've never been overweight, it's very hard to understand or explain. If you've never dealt with addiction, it's very hard to understand. Unlike other addictions, it's a hard one to work with. You HAVE to eat. You can eliminate temptations of drugs and alcohol by changing your environment, but there is no way to go without eating.
So I don't know. Here I am back at the beginning again. I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best. But I need help. I just need to figure out where and how to get it.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
It's 2014!
Well hello 2014! You sure snuck up on me. Or something. Not exactly, but anyway. You're here.
So what is this post going to be about? What worked in 2013. What didn't. And what needs to be done in 2014.
What worked:
So what is this post going to be about? What worked in 2013. What didn't. And what needs to be done in 2014.
What worked:
- Medifast. I was successful losing 65 lbs on Medifast before I stopped in mid-October to focus on moving more for my half marathon training.
- Support. I had some wonderful support from my Facebook group. I really appreciate all the comments, likes, cheers, and ears to listen.
- Moving more. I absolutely moved more, even if it wasn't enough. I moved more than the past year (2012) without a doubt.
What didn't work:
- Maintaining. I gained back 20 lbs after quitting Medifast. Some because that's just what happens when you come out of ketosis (about 10 lbs) and some because I ate poorly and didn't move enough. I put the blame on myself for not working hard enough to try to maintain and re-lose it, but I'm not horrendously upset because it will come back off.
- Running. I was getting there. I was moving more and then the shin splints kicked in in early November which derailed me for a good 6 weeks. I FINALLY ran without pain yesterday for the first time in 6+ weeks and now I can't wait to do it more. I just wish it were 6 weeks ago so I would have more time to prepare for the Tink Half in 18 days. Yeah. 19 days of training isn't going to cut it. But I've got 19 days to make the most of.
What needs to be done in 2014:
- Move even more. Continue on this upswing where I don't have shin pain. I'd like to thank my foam roller, massage therapist and ice for the help. Will I keep running? I don't know. I would love to complete a full 5K running. So I'll probably keep practicing as long as I can stay pain free. If I don't keep running, I'll still keep moving in longer walks, at the gym, using weights and perhaps taking up some cardio. My neighbor teaches Zumba. I'm terrified of breaking every bone in my body and a few in the people next to me with my lack of coordination, but hey, it's a good way to meet people, right?
- Take more weight off. I'm not going to pick a specific number. If I were, it would be 155. But if I end 2014 at 175 I'm not going to be upset or think I failed. This year it's the end of the "diet" and the beginning of the "eating less, moving more" so I can take it off even slower, but steadily.
- Eat better. I'm not going to say I'm giving up ____ or eating more ____. I'm just going to focus on eating less crap and more good stuff. I have decided to limit the amount of milk I'm drinking because it seems to flare up my eczema, but I'm just limiting it, not eliminating it.
Those sound like pretty routine things, right? Thought so. I'd love to hear what you are most proud of in 2013 and what your plans for 2014 include.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Trapped
That's how I've been feeling lately. Trapped in so many ways.
It's no secret that I'm unhappy living in Colorado. I've been here 8 1/2 years and I've wanted to leave since the moment I arrived. I want to be back in California. Actually, I just want to be anywhere but here.
But this week we began the refinancing process in order to save some money and pay down some other debt, thus trapping me here for the foreseeable future. Sure, we don't HAVE to, but we should. It's the responsible thing to do. We have enough debt that it would keep us from moving, anyway, so I guess I shouldn't solely blame the refinancing.
I'm still struggling with running. The shin splints are still horrible. I am beyond frustrated. Far beyond it. I'm worried that I won't be able to finish. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I'm trying. And it's going nowhere.
And I've gained weight. The stress from a billion things has gotten to me and I've been horrible with how I'm eating. I'm so mad at myself for letting it happen when I was doing SO well. I'm frustrated with myself for so many reasons.
I'm overwhelmed with things that need to be done around the house. It's a mess and I've been working on it just about the entire day today. I'm on load of laundry number 6, and I have absolutely no energy or desire to put any of it away. I've tried to clean the kitchen but things keep piling up.
I'm tired of complaining and tired of being miserable. I'm tired of feeling trapped in so many ways.
It's no secret that I'm unhappy living in Colorado. I've been here 8 1/2 years and I've wanted to leave since the moment I arrived. I want to be back in California. Actually, I just want to be anywhere but here.
But this week we began the refinancing process in order to save some money and pay down some other debt, thus trapping me here for the foreseeable future. Sure, we don't HAVE to, but we should. It's the responsible thing to do. We have enough debt that it would keep us from moving, anyway, so I guess I shouldn't solely blame the refinancing.
I'm still struggling with running. The shin splints are still horrible. I am beyond frustrated. Far beyond it. I'm worried that I won't be able to finish. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I'm trying. And it's going nowhere.
And I've gained weight. The stress from a billion things has gotten to me and I've been horrible with how I'm eating. I'm so mad at myself for letting it happen when I was doing SO well. I'm frustrated with myself for so many reasons.
I'm overwhelmed with things that need to be done around the house. It's a mess and I've been working on it just about the entire day today. I'm on load of laundry number 6, and I have absolutely no energy or desire to put any of it away. I've tried to clean the kitchen but things keep piling up.
I'm tired of complaining and tired of being miserable. I'm tired of feeling trapped in so many ways.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
I don't know what to do
I'm at a loss and close to giving up. Not on losing weight, but on running. No, I never had aspirations of being a "real" runner, but I had aspirations of finishing this half marathon in 7 weeks with at least a 15 minute mile combo of run/walking.
But I can't even go half a freaking mile without ridiculous shin splints in my left leg. I used to do under 15 minutes a mile for at least 3 miles. Now I can't even do a 17:30 mile. I don't know what's going on. I have no idea. I stretch. I ice. I even got fitted for new shoes and they're clearly not working because they now hurt in a different spot on my right foot and today I got shin splints in my right leg.
I'm a miserable person after I try to run. Both emotionally and physically. I warm up with at least 2 minutes of moderate paced walking (probably 3.5 mph) and then do a 30 second run to 2 minute walk. I usually make it to my 2nd repetition before the shin splints kick in. Today I made it .62 miles before I had to turn around and come home. Walking. Slowly. I made it a whole 1.25 miles. At least Friday I made it 1.88 miles.
I've asked for suggestions from a health and fitness forum and while my post got 166 views, I got one whole response which didn't even come close to addressing my questions. I said that I stretch and she suggested stretching. So...
I've spent a lot of money registering for this half marathon - and that's not counting the travel and lodging costs as well as everything else that goes into it. If I can't do it, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know why I've regressed so much. I come home in tears and I keep trying and trying again. I can't take much more "rest" time. I have 7 weeks. And the furthest I've gone is 4 miles.
I don't want to give up, but I don't know what my options are right now.
But I can't even go half a freaking mile without ridiculous shin splints in my left leg. I used to do under 15 minutes a mile for at least 3 miles. Now I can't even do a 17:30 mile. I don't know what's going on. I have no idea. I stretch. I ice. I even got fitted for new shoes and they're clearly not working because they now hurt in a different spot on my right foot and today I got shin splints in my right leg.
I'm a miserable person after I try to run. Both emotionally and physically. I warm up with at least 2 minutes of moderate paced walking (probably 3.5 mph) and then do a 30 second run to 2 minute walk. I usually make it to my 2nd repetition before the shin splints kick in. Today I made it .62 miles before I had to turn around and come home. Walking. Slowly. I made it a whole 1.25 miles. At least Friday I made it 1.88 miles.
I've asked for suggestions from a health and fitness forum and while my post got 166 views, I got one whole response which didn't even come close to addressing my questions. I said that I stretch and she suggested stretching. So...
I've spent a lot of money registering for this half marathon - and that's not counting the travel and lodging costs as well as everything else that goes into it. If I can't do it, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know why I've regressed so much. I come home in tears and I keep trying and trying again. I can't take much more "rest" time. I have 7 weeks. And the furthest I've gone is 4 miles.
I don't want to give up, but I don't know what my options are right now.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Gaining control
Wow, it's been 2 months since I posted. Oops. So, here's a brief synopsis of the past two months:
Hit 198, went on vacation, ate off plan, came back from vacation, never went back on plan, decided to stay off plan so I can train for my half marathon, decided I'd start on Weight Watchers, gained at least 12 lbs, now on Weight Watchers and the number is slowly creeping back down.
So, here's the deal. If I'm going to be walking/running/hobbling/crawling a half marathon, I need to train for it so I do more of the former, not as much of the latter. And to train, you need proper nutrition. As much as Medifast has worked for me, it's not going to get me the calories and nutrition I need for heavy duty mileage days. I have every intention of going back on Medifast after the race to achieve my weight loss goal. But, in the meantime, I am going to do Weight Watchers and train.
Because of that, I need to work on gaining control of my bad behaviors. Left to my own devices, I'd eat myself into a coma some days. How does it work that I can stay focused for 5 months and lose 65 lbs and still have issues with that? You tell me. I don't know. But I need to work on finding a new "normal" for me which includes real food, not meal replacements and one real meal a day. This is where I struggle.
THIS is where I struggle.
Finding that off switch when I'm full. Finding the control to walk away from temptation. Being able to have foods in the house that are known binge-triggers without bingeing on them. I want to have fruit snacks for my daughter, but I could easily eat a whole box of them without thinking twice. Even milk - I could drink a half gallon a day, no problem. There are foods that I love that I purposely don't buy so they can't be in the house and I can't binge on them.
I need to find the same focus I had on Medifast with doing Weight Watchers and eating real food 3 meals a day plus snacks. The exercising won't be tough - the more you move, the more points plus you get to eat. My 27 minute brisk walk tonight (brisk in that it was a 15:33 minute mile AND it was 32 degrees outside) earned me 3 points plus, or a VitaTop muffin for my evening snack. I can get on board with legally being able to eat more food if I exercise.
So I am now on a new journey - to conquer my fear of real food and gain control of how I eat. I know it goes much deeper than that - I mean, how can I live for 33 years or so without major food issues and then suddenly develop such control problems? In a perfect world, I'd be able to afford counseling and a nutritionist and heck, a private chef while we're at it, but this is my world. And my battle to fight.
Hit 198, went on vacation, ate off plan, came back from vacation, never went back on plan, decided to stay off plan so I can train for my half marathon, decided I'd start on Weight Watchers, gained at least 12 lbs, now on Weight Watchers and the number is slowly creeping back down.
So, here's the deal. If I'm going to be walking/running/hobbling/crawling a half marathon, I need to train for it so I do more of the former, not as much of the latter. And to train, you need proper nutrition. As much as Medifast has worked for me, it's not going to get me the calories and nutrition I need for heavy duty mileage days. I have every intention of going back on Medifast after the race to achieve my weight loss goal. But, in the meantime, I am going to do Weight Watchers and train.
Because of that, I need to work on gaining control of my bad behaviors. Left to my own devices, I'd eat myself into a coma some days. How does it work that I can stay focused for 5 months and lose 65 lbs and still have issues with that? You tell me. I don't know. But I need to work on finding a new "normal" for me which includes real food, not meal replacements and one real meal a day. This is where I struggle.
THIS is where I struggle.
Finding that off switch when I'm full. Finding the control to walk away from temptation. Being able to have foods in the house that are known binge-triggers without bingeing on them. I want to have fruit snacks for my daughter, but I could easily eat a whole box of them without thinking twice. Even milk - I could drink a half gallon a day, no problem. There are foods that I love that I purposely don't buy so they can't be in the house and I can't binge on them.
I need to find the same focus I had on Medifast with doing Weight Watchers and eating real food 3 meals a day plus snacks. The exercising won't be tough - the more you move, the more points plus you get to eat. My 27 minute brisk walk tonight (brisk in that it was a 15:33 minute mile AND it was 32 degrees outside) earned me 3 points plus, or a VitaTop muffin for my evening snack. I can get on board with legally being able to eat more food if I exercise.
So I am now on a new journey - to conquer my fear of real food and gain control of how I eat. I know it goes much deeper than that - I mean, how can I live for 33 years or so without major food issues and then suddenly develop such control problems? In a perfect world, I'd be able to afford counseling and a nutritionist and heck, a private chef while we're at it, but this is my world. And my battle to fight.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Whooooaaaa we're halfway there...
It's been a rough last few weeks for a few reasons, my anxiety being a huge cause, but my biggest accomplishment is that I haven't caved to my stress and eaten myself into a coma. I did eat off my Medifast program for 3 days a few weeks ago when we had family in town and also celebrated our wedding anniversary, but I'm back on track and have lost a little bit more. I'm down 55.1 lbs this year.
You know what that means?
I'm halfway there! I'm halfway to my goal of 110 lbs lost! I'm REALLY happy about that. Well, who wouldn't be happy after losing 55 lbs, right? I am sure that you can relate if you've ever been overweight that you've spent time feeling miserable and defeated. I'm STILL overweight (technically obese, thanks BMI), but I'm feeling inspired and ready. Ready to meet my goal!
I also started my half-marathon training 2 days ago. Today was day 2. I'm in horrible shape and nowhere near even being able to run a mile, much less 3 blocks. But it's day 2 out of 60 days of training. You have to start somewhere. And I can assure you that when I finish in 19 1/2 weeks I will be moving much faster and further than I am now. The point is I'm out there moving and training. And it feels GOOD when I'm done. It also helps that summer is (ha!) winding down. Not really. It's still been in the 90's the past few weeks here in Denver. But there's hope we might dip to the 80's next week. Heck, when I have to do my 13 and 14 mile training run/walks it will be late December/early January! Then I'll be whining for 80 and 90. (No. No I won't).
The walk/running has helped my anxiety a little bit. I still can't turn my brain off when I do it, but if I can push myself a little more it helps me focus on how much I hate running or how hot and sweaty I am. And even if my brain is over-run with OCD thoughts (which it is, all day long), it keeps me from worrying about how dumb I look run/walking when people pass me by on the busy road we live off of. Lemonade out of lemons, right?
Here's a photo of me when I hit 50 lbs, so 5 pounds ago. Can't wait to post a 75 lb lost pic!
You know what that means?
I'm halfway there! I'm halfway to my goal of 110 lbs lost! I'm REALLY happy about that. Well, who wouldn't be happy after losing 55 lbs, right? I am sure that you can relate if you've ever been overweight that you've spent time feeling miserable and defeated. I'm STILL overweight (technically obese, thanks BMI), but I'm feeling inspired and ready. Ready to meet my goal!
I also started my half-marathon training 2 days ago. Today was day 2. I'm in horrible shape and nowhere near even being able to run a mile, much less 3 blocks. But it's day 2 out of 60 days of training. You have to start somewhere. And I can assure you that when I finish in 19 1/2 weeks I will be moving much faster and further than I am now. The point is I'm out there moving and training. And it feels GOOD when I'm done. It also helps that summer is (ha!) winding down. Not really. It's still been in the 90's the past few weeks here in Denver. But there's hope we might dip to the 80's next week. Heck, when I have to do my 13 and 14 mile training run/walks it will be late December/early January! Then I'll be whining for 80 and 90. (No. No I won't).
The walk/running has helped my anxiety a little bit. I still can't turn my brain off when I do it, but if I can push myself a little more it helps me focus on how much I hate running or how hot and sweaty I am. And even if my brain is over-run with OCD thoughts (which it is, all day long), it keeps me from worrying about how dumb I look run/walking when people pass me by on the busy road we live off of. Lemonade out of lemons, right?
Here's a photo of me when I hit 50 lbs, so 5 pounds ago. Can't wait to post a 75 lb lost pic!
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