Therapy

So.

My life has been out of control lately. It's been out of control for a while, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I signed off of social media for a couple weeks. I put down the phone. And, I found a therapist.

Well, that didn't go so well. She's very nice, but she's just not the right therapist for me. I did make some discoveries in the four sessions I've spent with her, but those discoveries led me to be certain that I needed a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.

I've known for years that I suffer from binge eating. I don't hide that. But I also haven't done the right things to fix that. Mainly because I can't afford rehab or therapy if it's too expensive. There are a million things going wrong in my life, but I finally needed to make cuts elsewhere in our budget in order to afford the therapy I need.

My initial therapist was covered by my insurance. My new therapist isn't. But she comes highly recommended, and that's more important to me right now. I'll only be able to go twice a month instead of weekly, but that is far better than not at all.

I joined a weight loss competition here locally with 25 other women. There's a prize for most weight lost and most inches lost, as well as personal achievement goals. It's a 10 week competition, and my goal is to lose 20 lbs. Hopefully with about 4 therapy sessions during that time I'll be able to stay focused and meet my goal.

I just want to find happiness with myself. I am not happy. I haven't been happy in a long time, and everything eventually comes back to my weight and the reasons I eat. I have to fix me, and I have to fix me soon.

Oh. Hi.

I've been wanting to blog for quite some time, but I haven't. Because I'm embarrassed of where I am and what has become of me. Pretty simple, really. I struggle. Every. Single. Day. And it's embarrassing.

I know what I really need is a therapist. I also know what I really can't afford (because of the deductible) is a therapist. We owe a lot of money for a lot of different things and I just don't foresee it happening at least for a while if my new job works out as I hope it does.

I lack follow through. I have always struggled with this, not just with health and fitness goals. I don't know how to change that. Just like every other program I've started in the past, I've done a great job and lost a lot of weight and then stopped for whatever reason and gained it all back.

I'm miserable, both emotionally and physically, both dependent on each other. I know what I do wrong and I beat myself up about it. Physically, I'm out of breath all the time. My hips and back hurt when I walk too far. That half marathon I did 3 months ago? Ha! I'd be lucky to be able to walk 1.31 miles at this point.

I'm embarrassed. I hate seeing friends and family. There's a good chance they're not juding me, but I feel like anyone I see does just that. I mean, why wouldn't they? If they saw me 6 months ago I'm a totally different person from then. In a bad way. I used to love taking pictures and now I try to be as far away from the camera as possible.

Everything about it is embarassing. If you've never been overweight, it's very hard to understand or explain. If you've never dealt with addiction, it's very hard to understand. Unlike other addictions, it's a hard one to work with. You HAVE to eat. You can eliminate temptations of drugs and alcohol by changing your environment, but there is no way to go without eating.

So I don't know. Here I am back at the beginning again. I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best. But I need help. I just need to figure out where and how to get it.

It's 2014!

Well hello 2014! You sure snuck up on me. Or something. Not exactly, but anyway. You're here.

So what is this post going to be about? What worked in 2013. What didn't. And what needs to be done in 2014.

What worked:

• Medifast. I was successful losing 65 lbs on Medifast before I stopped in mid-October to focus on moving more for my half marathon training. 
• Support. I had some wonderful support from my Facebook group. I really appreciate all the comments, likes, cheers, and ears to listen. 
• Moving more. I absolutely moved more, even if it wasn't enough. I moved more than the past year (2012) without a doubt. 

What didn't work: 

• Maintaining. I gained back 20 lbs after quitting Medifast. Some because that's just what happens when you come out of ketosis (about 10 lbs) and some because I ate poorly and didn't move enough. I put the blame on myself for not working hard enough to try to maintain and re-lose it, but I'm not horrendously upset because it will come back off.
• Running. I was getting there. I was moving more and then the shin splints kicked in in early November which derailed me for a good 6 weeks. I FINALLY ran without pain yesterday for the first time in 6+ weeks and now I can't wait to do it more. I just wish it were 6 weeks ago so I would have more time to prepare for the Tink Half in 18 days. Yeah. 19 days of training isn't going to cut it. But I've got 19 days to make the most of. 

What needs to be done in 2014:

• Move even more. Continue on this upswing where I don't have shin pain. I'd like to thank my foam roller, massage therapist and ice for the help. Will I keep running? I don't know. I would love to complete a full 5K running. So I'll probably keep practicing as long as I can stay pain free. If I don't keep running, I'll still keep moving in longer walks, at the gym, using weights and perhaps taking up some cardio. My neighbor teaches Zumba. I'm terrified of breaking every bone in my body and a few in the people next to me with my lack of coordination, but hey, it's a good way to meet people, right?
• Take more weight off. I'm not going to pick a specific number. If I were, it would be 155.  But if I end 2014 at 175 I'm not going to be upset or think I failed. This year it's the end of the "diet" and the beginning of the "eating less, moving more" so I can take it off even slower, but steadily.
• Eat better. I'm not going to say I'm giving up ____ or eating more ____. I'm just going to focus on eating less crap and more good stuff. I have decided to limit the amount of milk I'm drinking because it seems to flare up my eczema, but I'm just limiting it, not eliminating it. 

Those sound like pretty routine things, right? Thought so. I'd love to hear what you are most proud of in 2013 and what your plans for 2014 include.

Trapped

That's how I've been feeling lately. Trapped in so many ways.

It's no secret that I'm unhappy living in Colorado. I've been here 8 1/2 years and I've wanted to leave since the moment I arrived. I want to be back in California. Actually, I just want to be anywhere but here.

But this week we began the refinancing process in order to save some money and pay down some other debt, thus trapping me here for the foreseeable future. Sure, we don't HAVE to, but we should. It's the responsible thing to do. We have enough debt that it would keep us from moving, anyway, so I guess I shouldn't solely blame the refinancing.

I'm still struggling with running. The shin splints are still horrible. I am beyond frustrated. Far beyond it. I'm worried that I won't be able to finish. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I'm trying. And it's going nowhere.

And I've gained weight. The stress from a billion things has gotten to me and I've been horrible with how I'm eating. I'm so mad at myself for letting it happen when I was doing SO well. I'm frustrated with myself for so many reasons.

I'm overwhelmed with things that need to be done around the house. It's a mess and I've been working on it just about the entire day today. I'm on load of laundry number 6, and I have absolutely no energy or desire to put any of it away. I've tried to clean the kitchen but things keep piling up.

I'm tired of complaining and tired of being miserable. I'm tired of feeling trapped in so many ways.

I don't know what to do

I'm at a loss and close to giving up. Not on losing weight, but on running.  No, I never had aspirations of being a "real" runner, but I had aspirations of finishing this half marathon in 7 weeks with at least a 15 minute mile combo of run/walking.

But I can't even go half a freaking mile without ridiculous shin splints in my left leg. I used to do under 15 minutes a mile for at least 3 miles. Now I can't even do a 17:30 mile. I don't know what's going on. I have no idea. I stretch. I ice. I even got fitted for new shoes and they're clearly not working because they now hurt in a different spot on my right foot and today I got shin splints in my right leg.

I'm a miserable person after I try to run. Both emotionally and physically. I warm up with at least 2 minutes of moderate paced walking (probably 3.5 mph) and then do a 30 second run to 2 minute walk. I usually make it to my 2nd repetition before the shin splints kick in. Today I made it .62 miles before I had to turn around and come home. Walking. Slowly. I made it a whole 1.25 miles. At least Friday I made it 1.88 miles.

I've asked for suggestions from a health and fitness forum and while my post got 166 views, I got one whole response which didn't even come close to addressing my questions. I said that I stretch and she suggested stretching. So...

I've spent a lot of money registering for this half marathon - and that's not counting the travel and lodging costs as well as everything else that goes into it. If I can't do it, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know why I've regressed so much. I come home in tears and I keep trying and trying again. I can't take much more "rest" time. I have 7 weeks. And the furthest I've gone is 4 miles.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what my options are right now.

Gaining control

Wow, it's been 2 months since I posted. Oops. So, here's a brief synopsis of the past two months:

Hit 198, went on vacation, ate off plan, came back from vacation, never went back on plan, decided to stay off plan so I can train for my half marathon, decided I'd start on Weight Watchers, gained at least 12 lbs, now on Weight Watchers and the number is slowly creeping back down.

So, here's the deal. If I'm going to be walking/running/hobbling/crawling a half marathon, I need to train for it so I do more of the former, not as much of the latter. And to train, you need proper nutrition. As much as Medifast has worked for me, it's not going to get me the calories and nutrition I need for heavy duty mileage days. I have every intention of going back on Medifast after the race to achieve my weight loss goal. But, in the meantime, I am going to do Weight Watchers and train.

Because of that, I need to work on gaining control of my bad behaviors. Left to my own devices, I'd eat myself into a coma some days. How does it work that I can stay focused for 5 months and lose 65 lbs and still have issues with that? You tell me. I don't know. But I need to work on finding a new "normal" for me which includes real food, not meal replacements and one real meal a day. This is where I struggle.

THIS is where I struggle.

Finding that off switch when I'm full. Finding the control to walk away from temptation. Being able to have foods in the house that are known binge-triggers without bingeing on them. I want to have fruit snacks for my daughter, but I could easily eat a whole box of them without thinking twice. Even milk - I could drink a half gallon a day, no problem. There are foods that I love that I purposely don't buy so they can't be in the house and I can't binge on them.

I need to find the same focus I had on Medifast with doing Weight Watchers and eating real food 3 meals a day plus snacks. The exercising won't be tough - the more you move, the more points plus you get to eat. My 27 minute brisk walk tonight (brisk in that it was a 15:33 minute mile AND it was 32 degrees outside) earned me 3 points plus, or a VitaTop muffin for my evening snack. I can get on board with legally being able to eat more food if I exercise.

So I am now on a new journey - to conquer my fear of real food and gain control of how I eat. I know it goes much deeper than that - I mean, how can I live for 33 years or so without major food issues and then suddenly develop such control problems? In a perfect world, I'd be able to afford counseling and a nutritionist and heck, a private chef while we're at it, but this is my world. And my battle to fight.

Whooooaaaa we're halfway there...

It's been a rough last few weeks for a few reasons, my anxiety being a huge cause, but my biggest accomplishment is that I haven't caved to my stress and eaten myself into a coma. I did eat off my Medifast program for 3 days a few weeks ago when we had family in town and also celebrated our wedding anniversary, but I'm back on track and have lost a little bit more.  I'm down 55.1 lbs this year.

You know what that means?

I'm halfway there! I'm halfway to my goal of 110 lbs lost!  I'm REALLY happy about that. Well, who wouldn't be happy after losing 55 lbs, right? I am sure that you can relate if you've ever been overweight that you've spent time feeling miserable and defeated. I'm STILL overweight (technically obese, thanks BMI), but I'm feeling inspired and ready. Ready to meet my goal!

I also started my half-marathon training 2 days ago. Today was day 2. I'm in horrible shape and nowhere near even being able to run a mile, much less 3 blocks. But it's day 2 out of 60 days of training. You have to start somewhere. And I can assure you that when I finish in 19 1/2 weeks I will be moving much faster and further than I am now. The point is I'm out there moving and training. And it feels GOOD when I'm done. It also helps that summer is (ha!) winding down. Not really. It's still been in the 90's the past few weeks here in Denver. But there's hope we might dip to the 80's next week. Heck, when I have to do my 13 and 14 mile training run/walks it will be late December/early January! Then I'll be whining for 80 and 90. (No. No I won't).

The walk/running has helped my anxiety a little bit. I still can't turn my brain off when I do it, but if I can push myself a little more it helps me focus on how much I hate running or how hot and sweaty I am. And even if my brain is over-run with OCD thoughts (which it is, all day long), it keeps me from worrying about how dumb I look run/walking when people pass me by on the busy road we live off of. Lemonade out of lemons, right?

Here's a photo of me when I hit 50 lbs, so 5 pounds ago. Can't wait to post a 75 lb lost pic!