Trying

Last Saturday I started a "biggest loser" type competition with 25 other ladies who live in my general area. I couldn't stay for the meeting last week because I had to run to work, but they also have a short meeting talking about strategies, what works, etc. It's a 10 week challenge with monetary prizes for the winners.

I've tried and failed in myriad ways in the past. I have come to the conclusion that I am done with "quick fixes" - the Medifast, Metabolic Research Center - those programs where you get your body into a fat burning phase and drop 2-5lbs a week. Sure, it's easy to lose weight and stay on program when it's falling off that fast, but once you eat off program *poof* it's gone. When you restrict yourself and can only eat certain foods, it makes it so easy to veer off course when you do allow yourself a cheat day.

So, I'm doing it the old fashioned way: diet and exercise. I haven't gotten a lot of exercise this week since my dad is in town and I'm trying to stick around home, but I'm using my Fitbit app to track my calories. I often find I have a lot left at the end of the day, but I am eating them.

Prior to starting this, I read a few articles about how we are restricting our calories TOO much and you need to base your caloric intake on your weight, not just arbitrarily choose to eat 1250 calories a day, whether you weigh 150 or 250. My caloric need is around 1900 calories a day right now. It varies depending on how much I move, which is where it's nice to have a Fitbit. On the days I have more activity, I'm allowed more calories. Pretty simple.

I have spent far too much of the last 10 years of my life counting points, measuring, whatever. I know I'm still counting calories, but I am hoping that it helps give me better insight into what the right amount of food feels like. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist on Wednesday night that specializes in eating disorders. I am hoping that this is what is going to make a difference. My eating disorder is the main cause of all my other issues. I know this because it affects every aspect of my life. My entire day can be controlled by it, and I'm tired of it.

So, I'm trying. I'm taking baby steps as I try to make a big change. I'm done with the quick fix. This is  marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take work, every single day of the rest of my life, but if it's the only way I'm going to be able to live a relatively happy life, it's work I need to try my best to do.

Therapy

So.

My life has been out of control lately. It's been out of control for a while, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I signed off of social media for a couple weeks. I put down the phone. And, I found a therapist.

Well, that didn't go so well. She's very nice, but she's just not the right therapist for me. I did make some discoveries in the four sessions I've spent with her, but those discoveries led me to be certain that I needed a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.

I've known for years that I suffer from binge eating. I don't hide that. But I also haven't done the right things to fix that. Mainly because I can't afford rehab or therapy if it's too expensive. There are a million things going wrong in my life, but I finally needed to make cuts elsewhere in our budget in order to afford the therapy I need.

My initial therapist was covered by my insurance. My new therapist isn't. But she comes highly recommended, and that's more important to me right now. I'll only be able to go twice a month instead of weekly, but that is far better than not at all.

I joined a weight loss competition here locally with 25 other women. There's a prize for most weight lost and most inches lost, as well as personal achievement goals. It's a 10 week competition, and my goal is to lose 20 lbs. Hopefully with about 4 therapy sessions during that time I'll be able to stay focused and meet my goal.

I just want to find happiness with myself. I am not happy. I haven't been happy in a long time, and everything eventually comes back to my weight and the reasons I eat. I have to fix me, and I have to fix me soon.

Oh. Hi.

I've been wanting to blog for quite some time, but I haven't. Because I'm embarrassed of where I am and what has become of me. Pretty simple, really. I struggle. Every. Single. Day. And it's embarrassing.

I know what I really need is a therapist. I also know what I really can't afford (because of the deductible) is a therapist. We owe a lot of money for a lot of different things and I just don't foresee it happening at least for a while if my new job works out as I hope it does.

I lack follow through. I have always struggled with this, not just with health and fitness goals. I don't know how to change that. Just like every other program I've started in the past, I've done a great job and lost a lot of weight and then stopped for whatever reason and gained it all back.

I'm miserable, both emotionally and physically, both dependent on each other. I know what I do wrong and I beat myself up about it. Physically, I'm out of breath all the time. My hips and back hurt when I walk too far. That half marathon I did 3 months ago? Ha! I'd be lucky to be able to walk 1.31 miles at this point.

I'm embarrassed. I hate seeing friends and family. There's a good chance they're not juding me, but I feel like anyone I see does just that. I mean, why wouldn't they? If they saw me 6 months ago I'm a totally different person from then. In a bad way. I used to love taking pictures and now I try to be as far away from the camera as possible.

Everything about it is embarassing. If you've never been overweight, it's very hard to understand or explain. If you've never dealt with addiction, it's very hard to understand. Unlike other addictions, it's a hard one to work with. You HAVE to eat. You can eliminate temptations of drugs and alcohol by changing your environment, but there is no way to go without eating.

So I don't know. Here I am back at the beginning again. I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best. But I need help. I just need to figure out where and how to get it.

It's 2014!

Well hello 2014! You sure snuck up on me. Or something. Not exactly, but anyway. You're here.

So what is this post going to be about? What worked in 2013. What didn't. And what needs to be done in 2014.

What worked:

• Medifast. I was successful losing 65 lbs on Medifast before I stopped in mid-October to focus on moving more for my half marathon training. 
• Support. I had some wonderful support from my Facebook group. I really appreciate all the comments, likes, cheers, and ears to listen. 
• Moving more. I absolutely moved more, even if it wasn't enough. I moved more than the past year (2012) without a doubt. 

What didn't work: 

• Maintaining. I gained back 20 lbs after quitting Medifast. Some because that's just what happens when you come out of ketosis (about 10 lbs) and some because I ate poorly and didn't move enough. I put the blame on myself for not working hard enough to try to maintain and re-lose it, but I'm not horrendously upset because it will come back off.
• Running. I was getting there. I was moving more and then the shin splints kicked in in early November which derailed me for a good 6 weeks. I FINALLY ran without pain yesterday for the first time in 6+ weeks and now I can't wait to do it more. I just wish it were 6 weeks ago so I would have more time to prepare for the Tink Half in 18 days. Yeah. 19 days of training isn't going to cut it. But I've got 19 days to make the most of. 

What needs to be done in 2014:

• Move even more. Continue on this upswing where I don't have shin pain. I'd like to thank my foam roller, massage therapist and ice for the help. Will I keep running? I don't know. I would love to complete a full 5K running. So I'll probably keep practicing as long as I can stay pain free. If I don't keep running, I'll still keep moving in longer walks, at the gym, using weights and perhaps taking up some cardio. My neighbor teaches Zumba. I'm terrified of breaking every bone in my body and a few in the people next to me with my lack of coordination, but hey, it's a good way to meet people, right?
• Take more weight off. I'm not going to pick a specific number. If I were, it would be 155.  But if I end 2014 at 175 I'm not going to be upset or think I failed. This year it's the end of the "diet" and the beginning of the "eating less, moving more" so I can take it off even slower, but steadily.
• Eat better. I'm not going to say I'm giving up ____ or eating more ____. I'm just going to focus on eating less crap and more good stuff. I have decided to limit the amount of milk I'm drinking because it seems to flare up my eczema, but I'm just limiting it, not eliminating it. 

Those sound like pretty routine things, right? Thought so. I'd love to hear what you are most proud of in 2013 and what your plans for 2014 include.

Trapped

That's how I've been feeling lately. Trapped in so many ways.

It's no secret that I'm unhappy living in Colorado. I've been here 8 1/2 years and I've wanted to leave since the moment I arrived. I want to be back in California. Actually, I just want to be anywhere but here.

But this week we began the refinancing process in order to save some money and pay down some other debt, thus trapping me here for the foreseeable future. Sure, we don't HAVE to, but we should. It's the responsible thing to do. We have enough debt that it would keep us from moving, anyway, so I guess I shouldn't solely blame the refinancing.

I'm still struggling with running. The shin splints are still horrible. I am beyond frustrated. Far beyond it. I'm worried that I won't be able to finish. I'm doing everything I should be doing. I'm trying. And it's going nowhere.

And I've gained weight. The stress from a billion things has gotten to me and I've been horrible with how I'm eating. I'm so mad at myself for letting it happen when I was doing SO well. I'm frustrated with myself for so many reasons.

I'm overwhelmed with things that need to be done around the house. It's a mess and I've been working on it just about the entire day today. I'm on load of laundry number 6, and I have absolutely no energy or desire to put any of it away. I've tried to clean the kitchen but things keep piling up.

I'm tired of complaining and tired of being miserable. I'm tired of feeling trapped in so many ways.

I don't know what to do

I'm at a loss and close to giving up. Not on losing weight, but on running.  No, I never had aspirations of being a "real" runner, but I had aspirations of finishing this half marathon in 7 weeks with at least a 15 minute mile combo of run/walking.

But I can't even go half a freaking mile without ridiculous shin splints in my left leg. I used to do under 15 minutes a mile for at least 3 miles. Now I can't even do a 17:30 mile. I don't know what's going on. I have no idea. I stretch. I ice. I even got fitted for new shoes and they're clearly not working because they now hurt in a different spot on my right foot and today I got shin splints in my right leg.

I'm a miserable person after I try to run. Both emotionally and physically. I warm up with at least 2 minutes of moderate paced walking (probably 3.5 mph) and then do a 30 second run to 2 minute walk. I usually make it to my 2nd repetition before the shin splints kick in. Today I made it .62 miles before I had to turn around and come home. Walking. Slowly. I made it a whole 1.25 miles. At least Friday I made it 1.88 miles.

I've asked for suggestions from a health and fitness forum and while my post got 166 views, I got one whole response which didn't even come close to addressing my questions. I said that I stretch and she suggested stretching. So...

I've spent a lot of money registering for this half marathon - and that's not counting the travel and lodging costs as well as everything else that goes into it. If I can't do it, I don't know what I'll do. I don't know why I've regressed so much. I come home in tears and I keep trying and trying again. I can't take much more "rest" time. I have 7 weeks. And the furthest I've gone is 4 miles.

I don't want to give up, but I don't know what my options are right now.

Gaining control

Wow, it's been 2 months since I posted. Oops. So, here's a brief synopsis of the past two months:

Hit 198, went on vacation, ate off plan, came back from vacation, never went back on plan, decided to stay off plan so I can train for my half marathon, decided I'd start on Weight Watchers, gained at least 12 lbs, now on Weight Watchers and the number is slowly creeping back down.

So, here's the deal. If I'm going to be walking/running/hobbling/crawling a half marathon, I need to train for it so I do more of the former, not as much of the latter. And to train, you need proper nutrition. As much as Medifast has worked for me, it's not going to get me the calories and nutrition I need for heavy duty mileage days. I have every intention of going back on Medifast after the race to achieve my weight loss goal. But, in the meantime, I am going to do Weight Watchers and train.

Because of that, I need to work on gaining control of my bad behaviors. Left to my own devices, I'd eat myself into a coma some days. How does it work that I can stay focused for 5 months and lose 65 lbs and still have issues with that? You tell me. I don't know. But I need to work on finding a new "normal" for me which includes real food, not meal replacements and one real meal a day. This is where I struggle.

THIS is where I struggle.

Finding that off switch when I'm full. Finding the control to walk away from temptation. Being able to have foods in the house that are known binge-triggers without bingeing on them. I want to have fruit snacks for my daughter, but I could easily eat a whole box of them without thinking twice. Even milk - I could drink a half gallon a day, no problem. There are foods that I love that I purposely don't buy so they can't be in the house and I can't binge on them.

I need to find the same focus I had on Medifast with doing Weight Watchers and eating real food 3 meals a day plus snacks. The exercising won't be tough - the more you move, the more points plus you get to eat. My 27 minute brisk walk tonight (brisk in that it was a 15:33 minute mile AND it was 32 degrees outside) earned me 3 points plus, or a VitaTop muffin for my evening snack. I can get on board with legally being able to eat more food if I exercise.

So I am now on a new journey - to conquer my fear of real food and gain control of how I eat. I know it goes much deeper than that - I mean, how can I live for 33 years or so without major food issues and then suddenly develop such control problems? In a perfect world, I'd be able to afford counseling and a nutritionist and heck, a private chef while we're at it, but this is my world. And my battle to fight.