I've been wanting to blog for quite some time, but I haven't. Because I'm embarrassed of where I am and what has become of me. Pretty simple, really. I struggle. Every. Single. Day. And it's embarrassing.
I know what I really need is a therapist. I also know what I really can't afford (because of the deductible) is a therapist. We owe a lot of money for a lot of different things and I just don't foresee it happening at least for a while if my new job works out as I hope it does.
I lack follow through. I have always struggled with this, not just with health and fitness goals. I don't know how to change that. Just like every other program I've started in the past, I've done a great job and lost a lot of weight and then stopped for whatever reason and gained it all back.
I'm miserable, both emotionally and physically, both dependent on each other. I know what I do wrong and I beat myself up about it. Physically, I'm out of breath all the time. My hips and back hurt when I walk too far. That half marathon I did 3 months ago? Ha! I'd be lucky to be able to walk 1.31 miles at this point.
I'm embarrassed. I hate seeing friends and family. There's a good chance they're not juding me, but I feel like anyone I see does just that. I mean, why wouldn't they? If they saw me 6 months ago I'm a totally different person from then. In a bad way. I used to love taking pictures and now I try to be as far away from the camera as possible.
Everything about it is embarassing. If you've never been overweight, it's very hard to understand or explain. If you've never dealt with addiction, it's very hard to understand. Unlike other addictions, it's a hard one to work with. You HAVE to eat. You can eliminate temptations of drugs and alcohol by changing your environment, but there is no way to go without eating.
So I don't know. Here I am back at the beginning again. I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best. But I need help. I just need to figure out where and how to get it.
