One thing I have struggled with ALWAYS, regardless of weight, is what I look like in clothes. Clearly now I have much more than a little tummy pooch or jiggly thighs, so I'm not sure why I cared so much 100lbs ago, but whatever. This is why I'm in therapy.
I've been working REALLY hard lately to let myself be comfortable in my clothing and to live a little. Now, we all know those people who squeeze themselves into things that shouldn't be stretched the way they're stretching, and trust me, I'm not doing that. Above all, I want comfort. I also don't want to look like a slob. Recently I bought a maxi skirt at Target, because I really like how they can go from casual to semi-dressy changing up the top. I know I don't look THIN in it, but I also know I look fine in it. It's not tight. It doesn't show anything inappropriate. I don't have to hold my breath to pull it up. But I also wouldn't have worn it a few months ago.
I got a few new cute tank tops at Old Navy including a pink ombre one that I'd love to show you a picture of, but it's not on the website. Jerks. Now, I KNOW I'm not thin. But not a single fuck was given, and I wore that cute tank with that cute skirt and I owned it. I even went out in public - to get an oil change, to get some groceries, and to take my daughter to a painting class. Oh, and I planted some flowers wearing it, too.
I didn't stop for a second to think about it. I put it on. I straightened it out. I made sure my bra wasn't showing. I went for it. I felt good.
Now please don't think I'm going to go all crazy and wear a tube top or bikini. There's being confident and there's being stupid. But you'd better believe I'm going to continue to rock my skirt and tank top, or other clothes that aren't baggy and make me look like I'm wearing a tent. I don't intend to be "big" forever, but "big" can still be beautiful. I'm going to give it my best shot.
Friday, June 27, 2014
Monday, June 23, 2014
The walk of shame
Here's where we start getting into my mind and what's going on with me as a person. Over on my regular blog, I've started a series of posts related to getting in the mind of a "fat" girl. My first post had to do with the fat that I thought I was fat at 170 pounds. I'm going to continue that series there, but still talk about plenty of it here, too.
In my post on my other blog, I talked about how 8 years ago I chose to not go to a group bachelorette party because I was "too fat" and embarrassed to be out like that, and I worried that I would embarrass the girls I was with. I have never told anyone this. I was afraid people would think I didn't belong in the clubs/bars we went to, and that I couldn't dress cute. I was 170 pounds and wore a size L/14. Raise your hand if you'd be thrilled to be that size. Now raise your hand if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone that size.
I'm pretty sure none of you did. At least I hope none of you did, and if you did you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone because of their size no matter the size.
But here's where we get into my head. I weigh much more than that now. About 90 pounds more. And I'm ashamed of myself for how I have "let myself go". Yes, I'm in therapy to work on this now, and yes I am trying to take steps every day to work through this. But that, in part, is why I'm letting you into my mind so you can see what role body image plays in my disordered eating.
I do my best to excuse myself from social situations where I will be seeing people I haven't in a while, or people who haven't seen me since one of the times when I've managed to lose some weight. In my mind, all I can think is that each and every one of them is thinking "wow, what happened to her? Six months ago she looked great, and now she's packed on at least 50 pounds". Are they thinking that? I guess I'll never know. But my mind tells me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are judging me by my weight.
Tonight we're going to see my favorite baseball player who is in town to play the Rockies. I've known him for 12 years, and he absolutely knew me at my thinnest. He's seen me a few times a year in the past 5 years or so and my weight has been up and down that whole time. While I'm pretty certain the thought never crosses his mind, I'm embarrassed to go see him tonight because of what he's "thinking".
I guess I don't want to know if it's true or not, that people think about how much weight I've gained when I see them. My mind says they do, but I'm still trying to learn to love myself regardless. I'm the same person whether I weigh 150 or 250, but I don't FEEL like the same person. I want to learn to love myself and not be embarrassed when I see people, or stay home because I don't want people to judge me. I don't want to make what I feel is the walk of shame when I enter a party or a get together. I just want to be Katie and to not care what anyone thinks but me.
In my post on my other blog, I talked about how 8 years ago I chose to not go to a group bachelorette party because I was "too fat" and embarrassed to be out like that, and I worried that I would embarrass the girls I was with. I have never told anyone this. I was afraid people would think I didn't belong in the clubs/bars we went to, and that I couldn't dress cute. I was 170 pounds and wore a size L/14. Raise your hand if you'd be thrilled to be that size. Now raise your hand if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone that size.
I'm pretty sure none of you did. At least I hope none of you did, and if you did you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone because of their size no matter the size.
But here's where we get into my head. I weigh much more than that now. About 90 pounds more. And I'm ashamed of myself for how I have "let myself go". Yes, I'm in therapy to work on this now, and yes I am trying to take steps every day to work through this. But that, in part, is why I'm letting you into my mind so you can see what role body image plays in my disordered eating.
I do my best to excuse myself from social situations where I will be seeing people I haven't in a while, or people who haven't seen me since one of the times when I've managed to lose some weight. In my mind, all I can think is that each and every one of them is thinking "wow, what happened to her? Six months ago she looked great, and now she's packed on at least 50 pounds". Are they thinking that? I guess I'll never know. But my mind tells me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are judging me by my weight.
Tonight we're going to see my favorite baseball player who is in town to play the Rockies. I've known him for 12 years, and he absolutely knew me at my thinnest. He's seen me a few times a year in the past 5 years or so and my weight has been up and down that whole time. While I'm pretty certain the thought never crosses his mind, I'm embarrassed to go see him tonight because of what he's "thinking".
I guess I don't want to know if it's true or not, that people think about how much weight I've gained when I see them. My mind says they do, but I'm still trying to learn to love myself regardless. I'm the same person whether I weigh 150 or 250, but I don't FEEL like the same person. I want to learn to love myself and not be embarrassed when I see people, or stay home because I don't want people to judge me. I don't want to make what I feel is the walk of shame when I enter a party or a get together. I just want to be Katie and to not care what anyone thinks but me.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Off to a good start
I weighed in on Saturday for week one of my "biggest loser" competition. I had the highest weight loss of anyone with 7.9 lbs lost, but I also am one of the people with the most weight to lose in the competition. I had a really good week of watching what I ate and not giving into temptation when I was stressed. I even ate out not once, but twice.
The best part about this is that I never was hungry and never was deprived of anything I really wanted. I have full fat cottage cheese and 2% milk. I enjoyed some cocoa & cookie swirl from Trader Joe's on a sandwich thin. I grilled cheeseburgers and had a couple beers. And every day I stayed within my allotted calories (roughly 1700/day)
I've been tracking using my FitBit which calculates how many calories I have burned based on my weight and the amount of activity I've done. On days I burn enough to eat more (i.e. over 2000) I try to cap my intake around 1800-1900 calories so I am still full, but don't go overboard.
I start with my new therapist in 3 days and I am really looking forward to it. I am ready to make the changes I need to. I am ready to feel good about myself and start loving myself. Heck, I'm ready to start even LIKING myself.
The best part about this is that I never was hungry and never was deprived of anything I really wanted. I have full fat cottage cheese and 2% milk. I enjoyed some cocoa & cookie swirl from Trader Joe's on a sandwich thin. I grilled cheeseburgers and had a couple beers. And every day I stayed within my allotted calories (roughly 1700/day)
I've been tracking using my FitBit which calculates how many calories I have burned based on my weight and the amount of activity I've done. On days I burn enough to eat more (i.e. over 2000) I try to cap my intake around 1800-1900 calories so I am still full, but don't go overboard.
I start with my new therapist in 3 days and I am really looking forward to it. I am ready to make the changes I need to. I am ready to feel good about myself and start loving myself. Heck, I'm ready to start even LIKING myself.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Trying
Last Saturday I started a "biggest loser" type competition with 25 other ladies who live in my general area. I couldn't stay for the meeting last week because I had to run to work, but they also have a short meeting talking about strategies, what works, etc. It's a 10 week challenge with monetary prizes for the winners.
I've tried and failed in myriad ways in the past. I have come to the conclusion that I am done with "quick fixes" - the Medifast, Metabolic Research Center - those programs where you get your body into a fat burning phase and drop 2-5lbs a week. Sure, it's easy to lose weight and stay on program when it's falling off that fast, but once you eat off program *poof* it's gone. When you restrict yourself and can only eat certain foods, it makes it so easy to veer off course when you do allow yourself a cheat day.
So, I'm doing it the old fashioned way: diet and exercise. I haven't gotten a lot of exercise this week since my dad is in town and I'm trying to stick around home, but I'm using my Fitbit app to track my calories. I often find I have a lot left at the end of the day, but I am eating them.
Prior to starting this, I read a few articles about how we are restricting our calories TOO much and you need to base your caloric intake on your weight, not just arbitrarily choose to eat 1250 calories a day, whether you weigh 150 or 250. My caloric need is around 1900 calories a day right now. It varies depending on how much I move, which is where it's nice to have a Fitbit. On the days I have more activity, I'm allowed more calories. Pretty simple.
I have spent far too much of the last 10 years of my life counting points, measuring, whatever. I know I'm still counting calories, but I am hoping that it helps give me better insight into what the right amount of food feels like. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist on Wednesday night that specializes in eating disorders. I am hoping that this is what is going to make a difference. My eating disorder is the main cause of all my other issues. I know this because it affects every aspect of my life. My entire day can be controlled by it, and I'm tired of it.
So, I'm trying. I'm taking baby steps as I try to make a big change. I'm done with the quick fix. This is marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take work, every single day of the rest of my life, but if it's the only way I'm going to be able to live a relatively happy life, it's work I need to try my best to do.
I've tried and failed in myriad ways in the past. I have come to the conclusion that I am done with "quick fixes" - the Medifast, Metabolic Research Center - those programs where you get your body into a fat burning phase and drop 2-5lbs a week. Sure, it's easy to lose weight and stay on program when it's falling off that fast, but once you eat off program *poof* it's gone. When you restrict yourself and can only eat certain foods, it makes it so easy to veer off course when you do allow yourself a cheat day.
So, I'm doing it the old fashioned way: diet and exercise. I haven't gotten a lot of exercise this week since my dad is in town and I'm trying to stick around home, but I'm using my Fitbit app to track my calories. I often find I have a lot left at the end of the day, but I am eating them.
Prior to starting this, I read a few articles about how we are restricting our calories TOO much and you need to base your caloric intake on your weight, not just arbitrarily choose to eat 1250 calories a day, whether you weigh 150 or 250. My caloric need is around 1900 calories a day right now. It varies depending on how much I move, which is where it's nice to have a Fitbit. On the days I have more activity, I'm allowed more calories. Pretty simple.
I have spent far too much of the last 10 years of my life counting points, measuring, whatever. I know I'm still counting calories, but I am hoping that it helps give me better insight into what the right amount of food feels like. I'm starting therapy with a new therapist on Wednesday night that specializes in eating disorders. I am hoping that this is what is going to make a difference. My eating disorder is the main cause of all my other issues. I know this because it affects every aspect of my life. My entire day can be controlled by it, and I'm tired of it.
So, I'm trying. I'm taking baby steps as I try to make a big change. I'm done with the quick fix. This is marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take work, every single day of the rest of my life, but if it's the only way I'm going to be able to live a relatively happy life, it's work I need to try my best to do.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Therapy
So.
My life has been out of control lately. It's been out of control for a while, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I signed off of social media for a couple weeks. I put down the phone. And, I found a therapist.
Well, that didn't go so well. She's very nice, but she's just not the right therapist for me. I did make some discoveries in the four sessions I've spent with her, but those discoveries led me to be certain that I needed a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.
I've known for years that I suffer from binge eating. I don't hide that. But I also haven't done the right things to fix that. Mainly because I can't afford rehab or therapy if it's too expensive. There are a million things going wrong in my life, but I finally needed to make cuts elsewhere in our budget in order to afford the therapy I need.
My initial therapist was covered by my insurance. My new therapist isn't. But she comes highly recommended, and that's more important to me right now. I'll only be able to go twice a month instead of weekly, but that is far better than not at all.
I joined a weight loss competition here locally with 25 other women. There's a prize for most weight lost and most inches lost, as well as personal achievement goals. It's a 10 week competition, and my goal is to lose 20 lbs. Hopefully with about 4 therapy sessions during that time I'll be able to stay focused and meet my goal.
I just want to find happiness with myself. I am not happy. I haven't been happy in a long time, and everything eventually comes back to my weight and the reasons I eat. I have to fix me, and I have to fix me soon.
My life has been out of control lately. It's been out of control for a while, but it finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I signed off of social media for a couple weeks. I put down the phone. And, I found a therapist.
Well, that didn't go so well. She's very nice, but she's just not the right therapist for me. I did make some discoveries in the four sessions I've spent with her, but those discoveries led me to be certain that I needed a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.
I've known for years that I suffer from binge eating. I don't hide that. But I also haven't done the right things to fix that. Mainly because I can't afford rehab or therapy if it's too expensive. There are a million things going wrong in my life, but I finally needed to make cuts elsewhere in our budget in order to afford the therapy I need.
My initial therapist was covered by my insurance. My new therapist isn't. But she comes highly recommended, and that's more important to me right now. I'll only be able to go twice a month instead of weekly, but that is far better than not at all.
I joined a weight loss competition here locally with 25 other women. There's a prize for most weight lost and most inches lost, as well as personal achievement goals. It's a 10 week competition, and my goal is to lose 20 lbs. Hopefully with about 4 therapy sessions during that time I'll be able to stay focused and meet my goal.
I just want to find happiness with myself. I am not happy. I haven't been happy in a long time, and everything eventually comes back to my weight and the reasons I eat. I have to fix me, and I have to fix me soon.
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