Food is my drug

This post might end up being all over the place. I think I'm just going to write, and you can try to make sense of it all.

The title of this post says it all. Food is my drug. I can't tell you WHY, not really, but I can tell you WHEN.

I lost 30 lbs about 8 years ago. I went from 176 to 144. I had been in the 140's in high school and then the majority of my adult life had been about 155-160. I always felt "fat", though all of those are healthy weights for my height. There were a few patches in college where I gained weight, but I was able to lose it pretty easily between softball and watching what I ate. I had gained roughly 20 lbs over 2 years in my late 20s due to a lot of beer, takeout, and not being nearly as active as I should have been. Was I overweight? Yes, according to the BMI charts, but really I didn't LOOK bad. (Looking back, of course).

Once I hit that goal weight, I moved from California to Colorado. I had done it on Weight Watchers, and rather than joining up here in CO, I figured I could maintain the weight loss on my own. I did fairly well for a few months, but then my "cheat days" became more frequent and I didn't bounce back as quickly as I could when I only would take one day a week. I struggled for about a year to keep the weight down so I would fit in my wedding dress, and I managed to weigh in at 159 on my wedding day. Then we went to Vegas on our honeymoon and ate and drank our way through a week there. It pretty much spiraled out of control after that. Within a year of our wedding, I had gained about 50 lbs.

I'm not one of those people who eats when they're sad or depressed, so I can't blame that. I just eat. Like I said, it's my drug. It makes me feel good. I LIKE food. I LOVE food

Yet somehow I have this amazing control right now over what I'm eating. I'm able to focus and this past 2 months I have lost 30 lbs. I have no idea how I'm managing that.

I know HOW to eat. I know what I shouldn't eat. I know what I should eat. But just like any other addict, when you crave your drug, you go after it. And the thing about being addicted to food is that you can't just STOP eating. Alcoholics and drug addicts can structure their lives so that they don't encounter as much temptation. You can't just NOT eat.

I can't tell you why this started happening. Prior to 2005 I never dealt with overeating the way I do today. I need more than a nutritionist, I need actual therapy. There's rehab for drug and alcohol addicts, but it's very hard to find that sort of thing for people with food addictions. Worse yet, it's hard for you to find it that's covered by insurance.

I'm not worried about not losing weight now. I know I will meet my goal. I have no doubt. But what I am TERRIFIED of is not being able to maintain it. I've failed before and I'm scared of failing again. I know I need help, help past the part of losing the weight. Help with the mental aspect. It's more than just meeting with a nutritionist. I KNOW what I should and shouldn't eat.

I hate that I have this looming over me. I'm feeling so positive about the success that I've had so far, and determined to get the job done. But then what?

Winning!

Today I was Googling things that weigh 30 lbs. Why? Because that's how much weight I've lost so far. Yeah, I'm pretty happy about that!

One of the things that I found that weighs approximately 30 lbs is this:

That's a World Series trophy, in case you weren't quite sure. That's also a photo of the first one my favorite team, the Oakland A's, won in Oakland in 1972. They also won one in 1973 (the year I was born), 1974 and 1989. They won 4 in Philadelphia, too. You're welcome for that little lesson on Athletics history.

Crazy enough, as I said, the A's have won 4 championships in Oakland. I'd love if this year was #5, but I digress. Anyway, 4 trophies = 120 lbs. I technically have 110 lbs to lose total, but if I lost a full 120 lbs, I would weigh the same that I did in this photo: 145 lbs.

Look at me all being skinny and drinking beer. We shall meet again someday, old friend.

The thing is, even when I was "skinny", my body structure doesn't allow me to be SKINNY. Those are size 10 jeans and the top is still a large. I still have the jeans. Probably the tank, too. 

Anyway. 

This thing also happens - when you lose weight, you move better and your body hurts less. 30 lbs ago, I could only walk at 3.0 mph for 3 or 4 minutes at a time or else I'd get ridiculous shin splints and horrible hip pain. I was 39 going on 79. I averaged a 22 minute mile when I walked, and I usually couldn't go much longer than 50 minutes - which was barely over 2 miles.

Yesterday I walked just over 2 miles in 37 minutes. An 18 minute mile. Now, that's still not fast enough to do the Tinkerbell Half Marathon completely walking (I believe you need to maintain a 16 minute mile), but I've already cut 4 minutes off my mile. I've only got 2 to go. Oh, and I walked those 2 miles pain free. I could have walked longer and further, but I didn't have enough time to do so.

So yeah, I'm winning. I've already won the war against one World Series trophy, and I've cut 4 minutes off my mile. I've hit the 30 pound lost mark, which earned me a reward - a Le Creuset dish. Now I need to think of a reward for hitting 40 pounds. It won't be long!

New Clothes!

Ok, not really.

Sadly, I have a basement full of garbage bags and Rubbermaid containers of clothes that are too small. Because of this, new clothes aren't really a reward for me, because I already HAVE so many clothes that fit as I lose weight. But I guess you can say I can go shopping in my closet (or basement. Semantics).

So, I did that - because I've lost enough to fit back into my jeans I was wearing last fall. And that is pretty rewarding. I mean, in a way it's rewarding because YAY! I'm down a size! But it doesn't in any way, shape, or form mean that I am at a healthy weight or thin. It just means I'm getting close to the weight I maintained for about a year or so. I felt incredibly self-conscious at THAT weight, so you can imagine how I felt when I was 23lbs heavier than I am now.

But I do admit, I have a little boost of self-confidence knowing that I AM down that size. I know I don't look great, or even good, but I FEEL better.

A few weeks ago I blogged about how I wasn't sure I could do this Medifast thing. But I'm rockin' it. Do I love it? No. Do I like it? It's ok! I had a rough start because I also started on Metformin at the same time and dealt with a lot of the icky side effects that come with it (bloating, diarrhea, nausea). That's all subsided and I'm feeling good. While "normal" food looks good, I don't have the urges for it anymore.

Except for the fact that I dream about food.

Yeah. I dream about cheating on my weight loss efforts. For real. Usually with something pretty bad for me. But when it comes to real life, I don't. I haven't. I'm almost even nervous about doing it when I PLAN on doing it in 3 weeks. I'm that focused. But success feels good, you know?