I fell down hard after I returned back to Colorado from our trip to Minnesota in early August. It was a combination of many things, but a big part of it was depression from returning from our trip. My bingeing (I still have no idea how to spell it, so I should really stop doing that) has gotten out of control again, and my self worth is in the red.
We have a lot of other life issues going on in our house - don't worry, my family and pets are fine, as is our marriage, but there are a lot of stressors. I've continued on with therapy, and I have an amazing therapist. I'm working with my husband on some changes we need to make to help me in the evenings when I'm most susceptible to my binge attacks.
I'm lonely. I eat because I'm lonely. This has been going on for 9 years, coincidentally the same amount of time I have lived in Colorado. I never dealt with anything like this before in my life.
I was doing well for quite some time and feeling good about myself, but I fell off course and then I couldn't even find the course. I have zero self esteem, and there are days I have to force myself to get out of bed. I'm exhausted all the time. I don't want to do anything or be around anyone.
I have said that I'm not going to do any "extreme" dieting or anything, but I decided I'm going to start back up on my Metabolic Research Center plan that I did 4 years ago and lost 75+ pounds with. I have found with all my "dieting" that the only sort of plan that works for me is a very rigid one that can't be deviated from. I'm not re-joining the center because 1. it costs way too much 2. they advise you to take unnecessary supplements 3. I still have my old menus from being on the plan before and 4. I can buy the same sort of protein drinks for less on DietDirect.com. I'll be starting as soon as my drinks get here. The thing about the MRC plan that I like is that you eat real food all day long, not meal supplements or shakes, or bars. Plenty of protein, fruit, veggies and light carbs. No dairy, which makes the milk-aholic in me sad, but I also know that milk flares up my eczema.
I need to do something serious and do it soon. My body aches and I am out of breath easily. I don't have the energy to do much of anything. We have a vacation to Disneyland and SoCal coming up in about 8 weeks and at this rate I will be miserable. I need to start, and I need to be serious.
I wish I didn't have to keep blogging about my failures. One day I want to be a success story, and I want to look back a year after that and STILL be a success story.
