Food is my drug

This post might end up being all over the place. I think I'm just going to write, and you can try to make sense of it all.

The title of this post says it all. Food is my drug. I can't tell you WHY, not really, but I can tell you WHEN.

I lost 30 lbs about 8 years ago. I went from 176 to 144. I had been in the 140's in high school and then the majority of my adult life had been about 155-160. I always felt "fat", though all of those are healthy weights for my height. There were a few patches in college where I gained weight, but I was able to lose it pretty easily between softball and watching what I ate. I had gained roughly 20 lbs over 2 years in my late 20s due to a lot of beer, takeout, and not being nearly as active as I should have been. Was I overweight? Yes, according to the BMI charts, but really I didn't LOOK bad. (Looking back, of course).

Once I hit that goal weight, I moved from California to Colorado. I had done it on Weight Watchers, and rather than joining up here in CO, I figured I could maintain the weight loss on my own. I did fairly well for a few months, but then my "cheat days" became more frequent and I didn't bounce back as quickly as I could when I only would take one day a week. I struggled for about a year to keep the weight down so I would fit in my wedding dress, and I managed to weigh in at 159 on my wedding day. Then we went to Vegas on our honeymoon and ate and drank our way through a week there. It pretty much spiraled out of control after that. Within a year of our wedding, I had gained about 50 lbs.

I'm not one of those people who eats when they're sad or depressed, so I can't blame that. I just eat. Like I said, it's my drug. It makes me feel good. I LIKE food. I LOVE food

Yet somehow I have this amazing control right now over what I'm eating. I'm able to focus and this past 2 months I have lost 30 lbs. I have no idea how I'm managing that.

I know HOW to eat. I know what I shouldn't eat. I know what I should eat. But just like any other addict, when you crave your drug, you go after it. And the thing about being addicted to food is that you can't just STOP eating. Alcoholics and drug addicts can structure their lives so that they don't encounter as much temptation. You can't just NOT eat.

I can't tell you why this started happening. Prior to 2005 I never dealt with overeating the way I do today. I need more than a nutritionist, I need actual therapy. There's rehab for drug and alcohol addicts, but it's very hard to find that sort of thing for people with food addictions. Worse yet, it's hard for you to find it that's covered by insurance.

I'm not worried about not losing weight now. I know I will meet my goal. I have no doubt. But what I am TERRIFIED of is not being able to maintain it. I've failed before and I'm scared of failing again. I know I need help, help past the part of losing the weight. Help with the mental aspect. It's more than just meeting with a nutritionist. I KNOW what I should and shouldn't eat.

I hate that I have this looming over me. I'm feeling so positive about the success that I've had so far, and determined to get the job done. But then what?