The walk of shame

Here's where we start getting into my mind and what's going on with me as a person. Over on my regular blog, I've started a series of posts related to getting in the mind of a "fat" girl. My first post had to do with the fat that I thought I was fat at 170 pounds. I'm going to continue that series there, but still talk about plenty of it here, too.

In my post on my other blog, I talked about how 8 years ago I chose to not go to a group bachelorette party because I was "too fat" and embarrassed to be out like that, and I worried that I would embarrass the girls I was with. I have never told anyone this. I was afraid people would think I didn't belong in the clubs/bars we went to, and that I couldn't dress cute. I was 170 pounds and wore a size L/14. Raise your hand if you'd be thrilled to be that size. Now raise your hand if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone that size.

I'm pretty sure none of you did. At least I hope none of you did, and if you did you should be ashamed of yourself. Actually, you should be ashamed of yourself if you'd be embarrassed to be seen in public with someone because of their size no matter the size.

But here's where we get into my head. I weigh much more than that now. About 90 pounds more. And I'm ashamed of myself for how I have "let myself go". Yes, I'm in therapy to work on this now, and yes I am trying to take steps every day to work through this. But that, in part, is why I'm letting you into my mind so you can see what role body image plays in my disordered eating.

I do my best to excuse myself from social situations where I will be seeing people I haven't in a while, or people who haven't seen me since one of the times when I've managed to lose some weight. In my mind, all I can think is that each and every one of them is thinking "wow, what happened to her? Six months ago she looked great, and now she's packed on at least 50 pounds". Are they thinking that? I guess I'll never know. But my mind tells me beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are judging me by my weight.

Tonight we're going to see my favorite baseball player who is in town to play the Rockies. I've known him for 12 years, and he absolutely knew me at my thinnest. He's seen me a few times a year in the past 5 years or so and my weight has been up and down that whole time. While I'm pretty certain the thought never crosses his mind, I'm embarrassed to go see him tonight because of what he's "thinking".

I guess I don't want to know if it's true or not, that people think about how much weight I've gained when I see them. My mind says they do, but I'm still trying to learn to love myself regardless. I'm the same person whether I weigh 150 or 250, but I don't FEEL like the same person. I want to learn to love myself and not be embarrassed when I see people, or stay home because I don't want people to judge me. I don't want to make what I feel is the walk of shame when I enter a party or a get together. I just want to be Katie and to not care what anyone thinks but me.